Lager Jogger helpful information

With the approach of the Lager Jogger Run in Pottsville, many visitors will arrive in the city.  This will bring about the exposure of these visitors with the native population.  To avoid any problems the city has been distributing a leaflet in the downtown area. The leaflet is to educate the natives as well as the visitor runners. Here are the contents of the leaflet:

1.     Visitors will be in Pottsville to participate in a “run.” Such a concept is peculiar to many of the downtown residents who prefer to waddle, stagger and meander about, going to and fro, for no particular reason. In fact, most Pottsville residents consider running as a means of transportation only if the police are in hot pursuit of them.   

2.    Pottsville locals are prone to hamstring pulls by any sudden movement. Last year there were numerous visits to the hospital for hamstring pulls caused by scratching lottery rub-off tickets too fast. Residents are again urged to avoid any sudden movement.

3.    Local residents should not mistake the finishing line for a police crime scene tape.

4.    Pottsville residents should not offer cigarettes to the runners as they pass by. Residents should keep their cigarettes for themselves, their significant others, random hook-ups, and children of random hook-ups.  The cost of cigarettes is now ridiculously high; let the runners buy their own friggin' smokes.

5.    Runners, after completion of the race, may comb their hair. Such a concept is culturally foreign to many of the residents and may even frighten some.  Residents should not be alarmed by hair combing. It is not done for checking ticks or head lice.  The Pottsville Surgeon General has issued a report that hair combing is not contagious.  

6.     Residents that wear pajamas on the street may cause some runners to get confused about the time, and they may believe that it is night time.  Residents who meander, stagger and waddle about, going to and fro in pajamas are asked to cover-up with bathrobes until the race is complete.  

7.    Pottsville locals are reminded that the race takes place at 9:00 A.M., which may interfere with their sleep.  Locals should not call 9-1-1 to complain about the noise of the starter gun waking them up.

8.    Runners often consume food high in carbohydrates before a race.  Locals should stock up on their food essentials before Friday.  However no one should panic as the city will begin setting up the May Fair funnel cake and French fry stands this Thursday.

9.    If it is a sunny day and the temperature goes above 60 degrees, local men are requested to keep their shirts when walking on the sidewalks as to avoid sun glare bouncing off of their pasty bodies, which could distract the runners. Same goes for the women.

10. Local residents are requested not to waste their money on the race, but rather support our local businesses by investing in more tattoos. A race lasts less than an hour, tattoos are forever.

                                           THE FOLLOWING VIDEO HAS
                                             BEEN ENDORSED BY THE
                                       POTTSVILLE SURGEON GENERAL
                                         BEER: HEALTHIER THAN RUNNING

                                                             

presidential debate at the Majestic Theatre!!

The Sovereign Majestic Theatre, downtown Pottsville

(named after the bank whose stock has recently closed pitifully at $10.23/share)

I have a great suggestion for the Sovereign Majestic Theatre located in downtown Pottsville.

I propose that the theatre should be the site of a historic debate between the two remaining candidates in the Democratic presidential race. Yes, the theatre can sponsor a debate which will undoubtedly sell out quicker than the "Schuylkill River Dance" show of last St. Patty's Day.

A lively April debate can be held at a mutually agreeable time, say the opening day of trout season, to be covered live on WPPA, WPAM and T-109 as well as Comcast’s Channel 15 ("the Pottsville Station"). I suggest that the moderator be someone impartial, such as the Winter Carnival’s Master of Ceremonies, who has been grilling carnival contestants with tough questions for over 35 years. In my opinion he's the county's version of Tim Russert.

I would bet my last nickel that such an event would rival Kennedy’s appearance back in 1960 when he uttered his famous words, “Ich bin ein Pottsviller! Tear down this wall” in Garfield Square to hundreds of bewildered well-wishers before heading over to the city pool that bears his name for quick dip. Kennedy in Garfield Square, 1960

It is doubtful that I would ever be selected as a panelist at such a prestigious event, even though I am the brains behind the idea. However, I submit the following questions to be posed to the contestants, Senator Clinton and the new comer who can use some publicity around here. You know, Senator Obama (who the average county resident thinks is named after the largest city in Nebraska):

1. Who is your favorite Dorsey Brother and why? ( Note: I deliberately start out with an easy one to make them more feel more relaxed and comfortable).
2. Assuming you are elected president, what criteria will you establish for granting a presidential pardon? Will you ever consider a presidential pardon for a Koch Turkey Farm fowl at Thanksgiving time? If not, why not, as the people of the Lewistown Valley want to know?
3. You pride yourself as an environmentalist. Therefore, in our struggle against global warming, would you endorse the Kyoto Accord and totally ban jalapeño pierogies?
4. With gas prices spiraling towards the four dollar a gallon mark, what will you do to assist the Pottsville Cruise and make it more affordable for the average cruiser? And will personally buy a Cruise raffle ticket?
5. Dmitry Medvedev, as we all know, is the newly elected president of Russia. Can either of you Senators name the Mayor of Shenandoah and discuss how can the United States improve relations with that difficult Borough?
6. It had been asked in the 1992 election, “Boxers or briefs?” However a more important question was never asked, “Yuengling Premium or Yuengling Lager?”
7. Senator, would you be willing to look directly into the camera and, using simple and unequivocal language, give the people of the city your solemn pledge to restore the NFL 1926 championship to the Pottsville Maroons even if it requires unilateral military action?
8. What can the United States do to ensure that Santa Claus, the sovereign leader of the North Pole, delivers lumps of Pennsylvania anthracite coal to all of the bad children of the world every Christmas eve?
9. We have all heard your positions on NAFTA, but can you now elaborate your positions on ATEECO, SEDCO, PADCO, and REDCO?
10. What effect does global warming have on the future of the Greater Pottsville Winter Carnival? If global warming continues, do you actually believe that our grandchildren will be living in a time when the designation of “Queen of the Snows” is forced to re-titled “Queen of the Slush?”

basketball and soup

February and March are the months when all the tourists flood into Pottsville, and I don’t like it. For one thing, it is hard to cross Market Street carrying pepperoni pizzas with all the cars heading to and from Martz Hall. Yes, Martz Hall. It is basketball season you know. The Hall is the site of countless play-off games. Basketball is popular around here; so popular that some people’s skin actually turns orange and bumpy. People come here from all over eastern Pennsylvania to watch the games. On Feb 8th, the line of traffic was so heavy for the Pine Grove- Marian girls’ game and the Shamokin-North Schuylkill game my pepperoni pizzas got cold as I waited to cross the street. Luckily, in a few weeks it will all be over and these out-of-towners will be gone. Pottsville will get back to its sleepy self.

Not many of you realized that this is the city’s biggest tourist season. That‘s because we try to keep it quiet. Too much attention may get these visitors to stay awhile. You know, maybe they would want to get a bite to eat after the game if they had information on what’s available. If that happens, then that means the locals, including me, may have to wait longer to get served. That is intolerable. That is why there are banners on all of the entrances to the city proclaiming, “Welcome to Pottsville. Enjoy the Games and Hurry Home!”

Some people suggested that the city tap into these visitors with promotions –flyers could be given out to at the door with discount coupons to local restaurants and promoting other things in the area. They say that it could be a boost for the local economy. I think this is a terrible idea. These basketball games are for families, and families should go home and eat together, not roaming around our streets. Also, I like the peace and quiet of eating in a restaurant where I recognize every single face. Unfamiliar faces make me paranoid when I am dining.
By the way, my favorite food is soup; any kind of soup – gazpacho, cold beet borscht, bouillon, gumbo, consommé, bouillabaisse, porridge, broth, chowder, or even vichyssoise. If it’s not liquid, I don’t want it.

Not surprisingly, my favorite local restaurant is the Soup Kitchen on Mahantongo Street. It’s right across the street from the Yuengling Brewery, the biggest tourist attraction in the city. Sometimes the tourists leave the brewery, take photographs and then head over the Soup Kitchen for a bowl of the “soup de jour”. The Kitchen is the only eatery within walking distance. Yes, I know the Creamery is also across the street, but even if you could get inside the locked-up Yuengling dairy, you won’t find anything edible inside anymore, not even one stale ice cream cone. That is why I stick to soup.
Some people have suggested that having a restaurant or bistro near the Brewery would be good for both the local economy and the city image that is projected to the thousands of tourists visiting the Brewery. Again, I argued vehemently against that idea. Pottsville should be for Pottsvillians. These goody two-shoes can hand out packets of Sweet ‘n Low to the hungry tourists as they leave the Brewery if they are so worried about their hunger pains. That should be enough to tide them over until they get out of the city. Give me a break. I want to be left alone with my soup.

This weekend, before heading to a basketball game, I plan to dine alone at the Kitchen, I will crumble some soda crackers, and then slowly consume only the vowels in my alphabet soup. You know, A, E, I. O, and U; in that order. I will then ask for a doggy bag and carefully remove all of the consonants and take them with me to the game.

We are in the midst of March madness around here and everyone goes nuts.