the Schuylkill Rangers

I too have been caught up with all of the pirate news. Most of you, however, are unaware of the pirates that roamed the Schuylkill River years ago. Yes, the Pennsylvania canals were just as infested by pirates as the coast of Somalia is today. Unlike the fast moving cargo ships that can outrun an invader, lumbering canalboats practically invited invasion by these cutthroat buccaneers.
Canallers were at the mercy of the shallow-water pirates. To reach their destination with cargoes intact, the honest boatmen had to be prepared to fight against river pirates, such as the Schuylkill Rangers who travelled up and down the Schuylkill attacking the innocent and the defenseless (but not necessarily in that order).

So bold did these Rangers become that they once attempted to take possession of Schuylkill Haven, a thriving, bustling town along the Canal.

Arrr! me hearty! I heard stories about that episode, when the pirates landed during a Burro Day celebration in a late September, frightening the local wenches by upending the numerous displays of crochet dolls and knick-knacks that were for sale along East Main Street, and taking their plunder, without paying, to their docked ship, “The Rattlesnake” along with several of the town’s favorite geese.
Luckily for the townspeople that before more destruction and mayhem occurred, the pirates boarded their ship and headed north to Cressona where more action occurred at the local “Long John Silver’s” near Connor’s Crossing.
Soon after devouring buckets of fish nuggets the scalawags headed to the Cressona Mall. The pirate captain was a great, massive-shouldered fellow with a big red beard, a peg leg, a crutch, an eye-patch, a nicotine patch, and a brass hook at the end of his left arm. He led his band of men into the Mall to distribute their home-made Boz Scaggs pieces of eight-tracks to unsuspecting landbubbers, as well as dozens of their copyright-infringed Doobie Brothers eight-tracks. With their ill-gotten gains from customers looking for bargains, they all went to Cinema 61 and watched an Arrr-rated movie before boarding “The Rattlesnake” continuing their northward journey to port of Pottsville.
The Captain made sure that “The Rattlesnake” would not have to fend off the yellow plastic ducks that once had almost overcome the ship during an unsuspected UCP duck race. The bright, starry night gave the crew the night vision necessary to complete their journey and avoid any plastic duck attack. Despite some grumblings from some of the crew that wanted to drop anchor near the Dusselfink, to hook-up with some native women, the captain had the ship sail northward with his goal the distribution of a countless number of bootlegged and illegal eight tracks, as well as the plundering and ransacking of Goldie’s Store on Centre Street.
“Ahoy there Mady’s!”
From up in the crow’s nest, the look-out spotted the legendary car wash at the southern end of the city. Pottsville would soon be within their grasp!
The original Transportation Inter-modal Terminal in Pottsville had a port that allowed “The Rattlesnake” to dock along side the East Penn busses.

The City had been alerted and was waiting for the Pirates. The Mayor had mobilized the entire city police force, the Greenwood Hill Fire Department, school crossing guards, meter maids,Winter Carnival Vulcans and Vunlcanettes and even three nuns from Nativity High School.
The fiercest naval battle in the History of Pottsville ensued and the pirates were driven back down the Schuylkill never to return. Thankfully the pirated Doobie Brothers and Boz Scaggs eight tracks never made it to shore.

Piracy would not be a problem in Pottsville for many years to come - until the piracy of pay television began with the arrival of illegal decoder set-top boxes, all sent to the area to satisfy the huge demand for WrestleMania.

from the mailbag: More economic woes

Several years ago the adult book store shut down abruptly in Schuylkill Haven joining the list of many other businesses to disappear from the county landscape. This generated a letter from one reader.


Dear bb:
What is the economic impact of the Schuylkill Haven Adult Book Store’s closing on the county as a whole?
Signed,
Economically Downtrodden

Dear E.D.
Yes, Schuylkill County appears to be reeling from the economic blow caused by the sudden closing of the Adult Book Store. Schuylkill Haven, “The little borough that could,” had never fully recovered from the closure of the Schuylkill Canal, Hardee’s, and the H.L. Miller plant. Now this newest setback! When will it ever end?

For those of you unfamiliar with the Schuylkill Haven Adult Book Store, it was located at the entrance of Penn State – Schuylkill Campus, and it is gone for good. For decades, the campus was easy to find; you turned when you approached the Adult Book Store. It was to Schuylkill Haven, what the City Lights Bookstore is to San Francisco - not only a fixture but a landmark. Now with the store empty, parents are getting lost, increasing the congestion on Route 61.
The economic impact has already been felt by the taxpayers of the Borough created by the loss in revenue once generated by the electric, water and sewer fees from the Adult Book Store. Borough officials are worried about how they're going to fill the coffers next year. Look out residents for another rate increase!

The sudden closing came as shock to many of the employees. "What is happening?'' an unnamed, despondent exotic dancer questioned, "They keep telling us we have a good workforce in Schuylkill County, yet the jobs that pay a decent wage, like mine, are leaving us. I have been here for 30 years and now what will happen to me? I probably will end up relocating to Tijuana or Juarez.'' Yes, more out-migration.
I contacted SEDCO but could not verify the number of lay-offs and transfers stemming from the closure. I asked the question, “Is SEDCO is working to create other jobs to make up for the losses suffered along the Route 61 corridor?” As you might suspect, E.D., the displaced workers may be entitled to educational retraining grants as the NAFTA-Transitional Adjustment Assistance (NAFTA-TAA) was enacted to assist workers who lost their jobs or whose hours of work and wages were reduced as a result of trade with, or a shift in production to, Canada or Mexico but I could not get an answer from SEDCO, as the phone call was disconnected. Whether the displaced skanky employees qualify or not is still unanswered. I also contacted Senator Arlen Spector and left a message at his office telling him to contact me about federal assistance to the displaced local sleaze merchants. Already famous for developing the “Wall of Sound,” and the “single bullet theory,” Schuylkill Countians are betting on the aged Senator to come through one more time, and I am too. I am waiting for his call back.
I also asked a University economics professor her view on the matter and received the following response: “change is constant and businesses will continue to expand and contract. The key to keeping the county's economic development growing is to be proactive in recruitment of new businesses and to help existing businesses expand and prosper. You must remember that the Book Store had to compete with MTV, the SuperBowl Half time show, as well as the internet. That is tough ground to hoe, no pun intended.” My phone call was strangely disconnected once again.

E.D., there is certainly enough blame to go around for the loss of the Adult Book Store. Some is attributable to those local residents traveling out of county for their reading material or shopping on-line. Also, the Chamber of Commerce should have done a better job of promoting a “buy local” mentality. Others place the blame on the Book Store not receiving its long sought after KOZ designation. Who knows for sure, but it is a crying shame, isn't it? However, E.D., the time for finger pointing has past.
Now, E.D., if you are in need of some good adult books to read, I suggest the following: Ten North Frederick and The Sea of Grass, both by local authors. These are all available at the Schuylkill Haven or Pottsville Library. Sorry E.D., neither have live dancers.