Hoodie Hoo: Schuylkill County Weather Modification Deemed A Failure

The bi-polar vortex once again is gripping Schuylkill County from the far north reaches of McAdoo to  southern Summit Station with no release in sight.    

The recent Schuylkill County Emergency Management Agency’s  attempt at weather modification appears to be a dismal failure at an enormous cost to those who actually pay their county real estate taxes on time.  

Winter season in Schuylkill County generally begins on November 1^st and lasts through May 14^th, followed by the long hot dry season which occurs before the rainy season.  The average winter temperatures have steadily decreased over the past several decades, generally reaching a low of minus thirty in February.  These long, cold winters have crippled the miniature golf industry which is the center of tourism in the county. In fact, numerous miniature golf courses in the area closed permanently due to the impact of the severe winters.  This has a ripple effect, creating many other hardships, including the lay-off of thousands of miniature golf caddies and those who work at the Pottsville Steel plant manufacturing those small miniature golf course carts.   Health hazards are also a concern as people tend to resort to using de-icing salt on their snacks because they are unable to get out to the stores to buy Morton salt.  De-icing salt has a much larger caloric count and is thought be partly responsible for the county-wide obesity epidemic according to the Pottsville Surgeon General.  

 Physicians have also reported a rise in the density of body fur growth occurring in the population, particularly in North

North Manheim Township

Manheim Township, which makes it more difficult for tattoo artists to have their work displayed properly.  And, of course, there is also the seasonal increase in the visits to the emergency rooms and welding garages for having tongues carefully removed from metal poles.

Weather modification is the act of intentionally manipulating or altering the weather.  With the down payment made on the sale of Rest Haven, $100,000 was earmarked  by the Commissioners for weather modification to shorten the winter season.  It was believed, at the time, to be a sound investment. 

Magical practices to control the weather have a long history. In ancient civilizations chanting incantations or mantras were performed by shamans to bring rain to drought-stricken regions.  In other ancient cultures, human sacrifice was performed with hopes of altering the weather, with varied results.  The Commissioners were presented several proposals.  Human sacrifice was ruled out, as the county population is already decreasing the way it is. 

After lengthy deliberation and public discussion, the investment of county funds with a Pennsylvania Dutch Pow-Wow shaman, a former county employee, seemed to be the most practical solution with a Hoodie Hoo Ritual to be performed on February 20^th.   Despite the purchase of colorful vestments for the participants to wear, the incantations chanted by the shaman and repeated by hundreds of her followers, the winter did not release its tight hold on the county. It was a failure.

Next year the county commissioners plan to rethink the idea of human sacrifice if the miniature golf industry in the county is to survive, or at least consider sacrificing a groundhog.  Funding should also given to retrain the out-of-work miniature golf caddies.
Below is a short video taken in the Schuylkill County Courthouse parking lot.

My Top Ten Predictions for the Orthodox New Year

This year my new year resolution was to avoid any discussion on the New Year baby and so far I have kept my word. Best wishes to the mom, baby and the anonymous donor!

On January 13th, the Orthodox New Year's Day, I will formally announce my Predictions for 2011 in the Walmart Lobby. Since I received my associate's degree in hocus pocus from McCann's, I have been hailed as the true successor to Nostradamus.

To those of you that have no life and continue to read this blog I will give you a head's up on these predictions. So take solace my friends. Print them out and put them away to keep score next December. I have only been wrong once; that was when I erroneously predicted that the Three Pennsylvania Dutch Tenors' Groundhog Day CD would go platinum.

TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR THE ORTHODOX NEW YEAR

10. At the Sovereign Majestic Theatre members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that space aliens have indeed made contact with earth by premiering a startling documentary on the Pottsville American Way Fair.

9. During the upcoming Commissioner Race a “birther conspiracy movement” will spread rumors that the Mayor of Mount Carbon is not as youthful as he claims to be. The growing demands for the release of his birth certificate will divert attention from the pressing issues.

8. At the September County Real Estate Tax Sale, the entire borough of Shenandoah will be sold to a Saudi Prince - with Mahanoy City included in the sale - after the investor agrees to pay in cash! Ironically, within three years the Prince will demand his money back.

7. A new Dead Sea scroll will be discovered near the Rock along the Schuylkill River south of Port Clinton giving rise to a new religious sect as well as to a new pun - “Rock and Scroll" which results in yours truly being tossed off off the Rock.

6. The American Medical Association (AMA) will make a major announcement that will send shock waves around the world declaring that bleenies indeed cure flatulence.

5. Full body scans will be instituted at the Schuylkill County Fair after Congressman Holden delivers a check to cover the costs of the extra large equipment that is required. Three oversized women will appear with the Congressmen in a newspaper photograph accepting the check.

4. In a controversial development, the County Commissioners will issue a proclamation declaring mayonnaise the official condiment of the county's bicentennial celebrations resulting in both a stunning defeat for the north-of-the- mountain horseradish supporters as well as dozens of arrests throughout the county.

3. The Yorkville Burger King will select a commoner wife from Minersville. A royal wedding will be held at St. Patrick’s Chapel in early Spring with the reception to follow at...you guessed it...the Burger King.

2. My parole application will once again be denied.

1. In a move to increase its membership, the stodgy old Pottsville Club will forego its strict dress code by experimenting with a "Pantless Wednesday."

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Groundhog Day Truce

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
Controller’s Office and County Commissioners Office called an unofficial truce on February 2nd!

Yes, on the dark, cold eve of Candlemas Day the chimes from the courthouse clock tower sounded in the City of Pottsville….something extraordinary and unexpected was about to occur. Employees of both the Schuylkill County Commissioners’ Office and the Controller’s Office spontaneously made peace, ceased hostilities and started celebrating. They visited each other through their trench tunnels, and exchanged cigarettes at the designated county smoking station. While at the smoking station the shivering employees stamped their feet in a vain attempt to keep warm and then headed inside to share the traditional holiday meal of Lebanon bologna, pig’s stomach, and chicken corn noodle soup at the Courthouse Canteen -all washed down with some fresh birch beer by the way.

Afterwards their jovial voices started to sing in harmony the traditional Ground Hog Day carols and songs.

“how much would would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood….”

At first it appeared that tensions would erupt as each side kept a shoofly pie within easy reach in case self-defense was necessary. Just a few days ago peaceful co-existence was unthinkable, but now it was reality. The employees from both offices gathered together laughing, sharing both Groundhog Day gifts and Pennsylvania rub-off lottery tickets, and exchanging the traditional Pennsylvania Dutch bawdy jokes.

The hostilities had been going on for years, under the Gary Hornberger administration and continuing unabated during the current Katner command. With so many years of warfare some were now calling this truce “the miracle in the trenches” and hailed it as a shining episode of sanity. Yes, the Groundhog Day’s magic that covered the county also enveloped these two adversarial offices. The friendly feelings were inspired not only by a strong desire for a lull in the fighting but for a desire to partake in the goodies that every Courthouse office shares openly on the joyous occasion of Groundhog’s Day.
Yes, the holiday began quietly with the furry marmot once again seeing his shadow. Six more weeks of winter should have dismayed everyone, but only a few court house employees actually threw themselves from the Clock tower; far less than the prior years.

Yes, for hours, throughout all of the colorfully decoratated court house offices, Groundhog songs were sung while funnel cake was shared. The stairway between the Controller’s Office and the Commissioners Office, long considered a ‘no man’s land” became something of a playground with the rousing chorus of employees all singing in harmony:

“Let the scientific fakirs gnash their teeth and stamp with rage-
Let astrologers with crystals wipe such nonsense from the page-
We hail the King of Prophets, who's the world's outstanding Sage-
TODAY THE GROUNDHOG COMES! Glory! Glory! to the Groundhog, Glory! Glory!
to the Groundhog, Glory! Glory!
to the Groundhog, TODAY THE PROPHET COMES!”


The truce lasted all day. It was considered by some to be just a blip - a temporary respite induced by the Candlemas season.
But in these trying times of uncertainty, it is comforting to cynics, such as me, to believe that employees of the rival offices could put aside their fear and loathing of one another and extend the hand of goodwill, peace, joy, love and Groundhog Day cheer.

“Oh why can't every day be like Groundhog Day

Why can't that feeling go on endlessly.

For if everyday could be just like Groundhog Day

What a wonderful world this would be.”

Gott segen eich.