Schuylkill County Ukrainian Heritage: What you can do

 

                                             Ukrainian Crisis: What Can I Do

Schuylkill County has a small population but one with a large percentage of inhabitants of Ukrainian heritage.  Now Ukraine is under attack from cranky Vladimir Putin.  He is a man born cranky but recently after his girlfriend, gymnast Alina Kaebava,  supposedly gave birth to his twins in 2019 it is taking a toll on him and he is taking it out on his innocent neighbors.  The twins’ terrible twos would take a toll on me also, but I would never think of invading Mount Carbon, Port Carbon, and Palo Alto, despite the deep historic ties those places have to the City of Pottsville.  But then I can’t invade as I am not the mayor of Pottsville with the police and fire department under my control. 

So, I sit here wondering what to do.  At first, I started a boycott against importing Russian mail-order brides from the internet.  There are so many other foreign brides available so any hardship is minimal.  Russian mail-order brides are hard to return, even with Amazon Prime subscription.  

Then I upped the ante by taking all my Russian Matroshka nesting dolls and crushing them one by one, starting with the largest and working my way down to the little detka inside.  It gave me a great feeling of accomplishment.  I threw them all in my wood burner along with my old VHS tape of ‘Dr. Zhivago,’ my paperback copy of ‘Lolita’ and my wall posters of Boris Badinov, Natasha, Natalie Wood and Yul Brynner.  My walls are now bare.  

Such sacrifice and it made a great Tick Tock with over one million views by bored, shallow people. 

     I then ran to my bar and spilled out all of my vodka but was told by Mammy Trout that Nikolai vodka is made in Kentucky!  It is not Russian!  All these decades I was drinking Nikolai under false pretenses!  I immediately got a sponge to retrieve the precious fluids and refill most of my bottles.  The alcohol will kill any bacteria. After the clean-up I called the local bars, taverns and bistros to demand that ‘Moscow Mule’ cocktail be renamed the ‘Minersville Jackass’ cocktail.  It sounds more patriotic and reminds me of someone.  However, all the bars, taverns and bistros have my number blocked so I couldn’t get through.  

     The Pottsville Soup Kitchen, however, took my advice and cancelled “All-You-Can Eat Borsht Night.”  Schuylkill Countians loves “all-you-can-eat” menus.  I know, I do.  It helps make our county so special.  Lastly, I cancelled our planned family B&B staycation in Arnot’s Addition.  We we were going to take in the L.A. Dance Studio’s yearly Nutcracker performance and take Russian squat dance lessons. The family that squat dances together, stays together. 

Despite feeling great about my actions, I felt that there was more I could do.  I then researched and found that I could donate to humanitarian causes to help alleviate the suffering.  Why it doesn’t get me more tick tock views, it probably does more good.  So why don’t you try it. I just did.  Here is a list of charities vetted by Charity Navigator as legitimate with high standards and I am a man of high standards as I, many years ago, purchased and returned two Russian mail-order brides using Amazon Prime (not at the same time):

UKRAINIAN RELIEF     Click the link to the left!

Your contribution will help  - even though you don't get tick tock followers.  

Happy Orthodox New Year!

                 All Hail the Orthodox New Year Baby!

                                                   

January 13th is New Year's Eve in St. Clair and its bedroom community of Arnot's Addition.        S Novym Godom!

My predictions for the Orthodox new year 2013 are as follows:

Nativity High School will begin closed door negotiations with the Pottsville Housing Authority and Barefield Development to transform the building into a high-end, no-income condominium complex geared to ambitionless youth population.  A snag in the negotiations arises over the proposed replacement of the large illuminated cross with a giant illuminated number "8." The number, of course, is to honor the housing program that has made the city what it is today.
 
The Winter Carnival pageant will be marred by a wardrobe malfunction when the Carnival's beloved mascot, Pottsie Ottsie, accidentally exposes a snow ball.

Pottsville will conduct a major "quality of life" criminal sweep handing out dozens of tickets in April to the out-of- shape men walking shirtless along Centre Street when the temperature hits 60.
Pottsville School District will have difficulty selecting a football coach causing the school to replace football with hacky-sack.  Attendance will surge.

Yuengling Dairy will not receive a "quality of life" ticket from the Code Enforcement Officer who is determined to fight blight.

The Mother's Memorial in Ashland will suffer from a severe case of hemorrhoids.

Schuylkill Allied Artists will feature tattoos for the first time.  Attendance will surge.

Liposuction will cease to be offered at the Pottsville American Way May Fair after the Republican-Herald reporters expose the hidden fact that the removed fat  is used at the near-by funnel cake stand as cooking grease. Another Pulitzer prize is not far away.

The Pottsville Club will  announce that shirts and shoes are no longer required for dining. Membership will surge.

Twenty will be injured during the Orwigsburg Bicentennial's rake-fighting competition. This is the most injured since the Orwigsburg Centennial celebration in 1913. 
Leiby's Dairy in Tamaqua will unveil a new ice cream named "Cherry Knowles." Production will soar, surpassing the output of its best selling Red Beets ice cream.
This year's winning spelling bee word will contain the letter "e."

Courthouse Christmas Tree

The Court House Christmas Tree this year is a celebration of the county’s bicentennial as well as a loving salute to our vast number of municipal governments.

The Court House Christmas Tree Committee (CHCTC) has been scrutinizing the submission of ornaments from the various municipalities to be inducted onto a branch on this year’s tree. With so many local governments there is a concern that the tree would be incapable of holding the weight. At last count there were between 67 -253 officially sanctioned municipalities and governmental entities.
Sadly, Yorkville was not allowed to participate in the tree celebration. Yorkville’s controversial hand-painted ceramic Christmas ball featuring the likeness of the Burger King Restaurant was removed by deputy sheriffs after a protest was lodged by the City of Pottsville. It was wrestled to the ground and thrown in the Courthouse Dumpster. As you know, the City claims control of this contested territory as a result of a controversial election about one hundred years ago. If the Yorkville ornament remained on the tree, then Pottsville threatened to remove its numerous ornaments. The Pottsville ornaments are quite spectacular and include a replica of a purse once carried by Crazy Sarah and a string of popcorn. Not just any popcorn, but buttered popcorn that was found beneath the ruins of the Capitol Theatre.

Pottsville insists that Yorkville is an inalienable part of Pottsville and Pottville’s City Hall is the sole legal authority over the disputed territory. This authoritarian policy had created tension and saber-rattling in the neighboring municipalities of Mount Carbon, Palo Alto, Mechanicsville, Port Carbon and Shoentown; all of which still refuse to recognize the absorption of Yorkville into Greater Pottsville. These neighboring municipalities still recognize a free and independent Yorkville with its capital building at Lotz’s Café on West Market Street.

Incidentally, the third week in July is celebrated as Captive Municipalities Week in many of these places with speeches and parades promoting independence for such places as Yorkville, Rahn Township, Teaberry Hill, The Irish Flat’s, Altamont, Shenandoah’s First Ward, Smoketown, and Arnot’s Addition. Many of these captive municipalities have established governments in exiles, or shadow governments, with a headquarters at the Schuylkill Mall. If you stop by the Mall the headquarters is located near K-Mart. Inside the headquarters one can stop and talk to the various unofficial officials, their staff and solicitors. This year as a fund raiser you can get your child’s photo taken on the Mayor of Arnot’s Addition’s lap.

Now back to the tree. Some ornaments were immediately rejected, such as Mount Carbon’s submission of two of its residents (who were supposedly “lit up like Christmas Trees” after leaving the Brett Michael’s concert). In their place, the Court house accepted an old Bavarian Beer bottle cap. The West Penn Township’s donation of a Pontiac hood ornament from its local auto junk yard was approved after the County’s Office of Weights and Measures got its scale out and declared the weight to be acceptable. The hood ornament is now on the fifth branch from the top (east side).

Alcoholic submissions got mixed signals. Porter Township’s submission of a bottle of Porter Ale was approved after the Treasurer’s Office gave a five cent deposit on the bottle’s safe return. Walker Township’s bottle of Johnny Walker Whiskey was deemed too heavy and mysteriously vanished, only to reappear a day later... but now empty.

From the trout family to all of youse:
Merry/Happy: Select one: __Christmas, __Hanukah, __Festivus,__ Kwanzaa,__ Solstice, __Boxing Day,___ (generic) Holiday... And to all a good night.

leave all 67 of us alone

I was reading House Bill 2431 which was introduced in our legislature for the asinine purpose of consolidating local governments into their respective county governments. It was in the August 1^st Republican Herald.

It made me sick to my stomach.

I thought of the sacrifices made by our service men and women who protect our way of life here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the Keystone State, where we can still enjoy a myriad of government officials, their administrative staffs, their workers and assorted hanger-ons - all duplicating services for us, the little people.

Now someone politician wants to take this right away from us.

Well excuse me. I feel sick again.

I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know what happened to Yorkville one hundred years ago. It was once a thriving metropolis, the heart of Germanic culture in Schuylkill County. It had its own government, led by Der Bürgermeister, its own administrative staff, its own schools, its own road crew, its own polizeikraft, its own Hundefänger, and its own currency. In a blink of an eye, all of that was taken away.

The promise that the Yorkvillians would retain their cultural heritage was immediately broken. Immediately the Pottsville City council outlawed German chocolate cake, lederhosen, and techno music – yes, techno music. The only thing left remaining was beer drinking. But the worst was that Yorkville bureaucrats were forced to find employment in the free market. The Yorkville tax collector I understand, when confronted with having to find honest employment, had to be institutionalized, thereby depriving another person of a needed bed at the local asylum. Yes, there still is only one county asylum rather than 67 asylums.... just another reason I am against consolidation.

While the obliteration of Yorkville is widely known, the conquest of Rahn Township, in the east end of Schuylkill County (yes, there really is an east end), has been kept a secret. A top secret.

Rahn Township was a civilization far more advanced than our own. It was a peaceful community with superior knowledge, thriving commerce and advanced technology. Archaeologists have verified that the eight track cartridge was widely used in Rahn Township over one hundred years ago, substantiating the claim of scientific advancement. There is very little other evidence of Rahn Township’s glory days left. Perhaps a few stones from one of the sacred wells or the altar to Poseidon, but that is about it. Despite rumors, there is no proof that Rahnites grew extraterrestrial wheat but the lack of evidence does not extinguish the legend surrounding Rahn Township.

No one predicted the fall of Rahn civilization, but it happened.

The consolidation of Tamaqua with Rahn Township was meant to save tax dollars. A very benign endeavor... “Building permits would be issued from only one department rather than two”... was the rallying cry. Thus began the slide on the slippery slope to oblivion. Within a few years Rahn Township was no more. Its few surviving natives were led off to make the back flaps for the thermal underwear in the factories of Tamaqua, never to return home. The altar to Poseidon was leveled and all the eight track cartridges destroyed.

This is why House bill 2431 must be defeated. Remember that consolidating local governments will eliminate many good paying jobs that have both defined benefit pension plans and other fringe benefits, such as pet bereavement leave. Many of these jobs have been held by families generation after generation. By increasing government we will be increasing employment.

We should be encouraging more local government as an economic stimulus package. For instance Schuylkill Haven could be easily split into several independent municipalities – Smoketown, Columbia Heights and the Irish Flats for starters; each with its own police force, solicitor’s office, dog catcher and street department. Likewise in St. Clair, Arnot’s Addition is just itching for independence, you can see it in the sullen eyes of its downtrodden citizenry.

I don’t want to hear any more bullsh*t about consolidation. I want more layers of inefficient governments, not less. It is our tax money and we should be able to waste it as we see fit. Inefficiency is part of our Pennsylvanian heritage and we must fight to protect it. Local government in Schuylkill County is a beautiful mosaic of 67 distinct units, often compared to the AIDS quilt, and we need to protect every one of those units.

I don’t care that our fragmented system of local government is out of touch with the 21^st century as I always thought that the 19^th century was great (except for the civil war). If Pennsylvania is running out of money then legalize and tax other forms of gambling. Rooster fighting for starters, but please, just let every one of our 67 local tax collectors count the money.