The American Revolution as interpreted by b b trout

            

For over a century, immigrants came to North America from Europe in search of economic opportunities.  For example, once they arrived, “cash only” pizza shops quickly sprouted up and down the Atlantic coast. They also came for religious freedom.  Soon a smart entrepreneur came up with the idea of Kwanzaa to rival Christmas in terms of merchantability. “Only in America.”  However these early settlements were established under the control of the European Monarchs and the settlers were expected to be loyal.

It was not easy for these early immigrants. There were no cities, no paved roads, no shopping malls, no GPS, and no air conditioning.  All they found were trees and rivers.  Everything had to be built by hand. Actually by hands. By using both hands, their work load was dramatically shortened.  Today, most of us living outside of Pottsville are blessed with paved roads.

Religious persecution was prevalent in Europe, and many of the immigrants were thankful that they would soon have shopping malls opened on Easter and Christmas where they could do mindless shopping without fear of beheading. However it would take many years until Benjamin Franklin opened the first shopping mall – the Schuylkill Mall- where he could fly his kite in the immense parking lot.  The Mall has not changed since that time and kite flying is more prevalent than ever there.

As generations came and went, a sense of being an American took hold, replacing the old sense of pride of being just a displaced European - except in certain areas of the country, such as Girardville, where in 2015, everyone in town still wears a button asking to be kissed because they think they are Irish and not American. 

Most Colonists began to tire of hearing about Europe and whether one should be kissed or not because of Gaelic breath. When watching TV these colonists wanted the weather girl to give them local forecasts. They were not concerned about the dew count in London or Holland or France.  They wanted traffic reports about the King's Highway that led to Sunbury, not traffic reports from overseas. They also became displeased with the costs of trade restrictions, making it more difficult to sell “American-made” goods, such as hip hop records, overseas. They were stuck with these hip hop records, and we still suffer the consequences today.

Except for those living in Girardville, the colonists began to view themselves as separate from Europe, and identified with the new colonial states as being independent from the mother country. Also King George III, who was King of England, got his country into an expensive war with France. Although he managed to increase England’s territory in the Americas by taking over former French colonies such as Canada and, closer to home, Tremont - it came at a high price.

To cover the costs of war, King George began to impose lots of taxes on the American colonies.  He even threatened to impose taxes on goods sold over the internet and for that he was called "Mad" King George, as the internet was yet to be discovered. The first tax  he came up with was called the Stamp Tax which required all printed materials to have a stamp placed on them.  

Colonists were were outraged, and responded by boycotting all British goods including English Leather Aftershave, Billy London clothing and Spice Girls albums.  Things got out of hand and the Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips Restaurant in Cressona was ransacked and burned to the ground. These fired up Americans also refused to place the stamp on any of their printed materials.  Magazines were gaining in popularity,  especially those that featured women of professional wrestling.

 

Many of the colonists began crying - "No taxation without representation!"  Those words became an instant sound-bite on the early cable network news stations.  King George soon caved in and magazines and the other reading materials no longer had to have a stamp.  However, new taxes were imposed on iced tea of all things.  This outraged the colonists to no end as they were hooked on Guers iced tea from the age of five, just like me.

Many refused to pay the tax.  In order to enforce these new tax laws, British officials requested military troops to aid them. This led to a bloody confrontation that became known as the New Boston Massacre.

The tax on the iced tea remained and in protest, men dressed up as Indians destroyed a truck load of iced tea that was being delivered to Brok-Sels.  To this day no one knows why the men did not simply drink the tea rather than waste it.

Without their iced tea, colonists began to suffer the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal and became more agitated. I don't know about you but  I need at least four half-pints a day. 

King George then imposed more restrictions upon the colonists, such as requiring helmets to be worn when riding on horseback. Again, more agitation to an already cranky population suffering from caffeine withdrawal.

Colonists in the Americas became increasingly convinced that they needed to take more aggressive steps in order to protect themselves and their liberty. They did not want to wear helmets on top of their pilgrim hats. That was intolerable.  Rumors circulated that smoking would be banned anywhere but the smokehouse.

Soon delegates from all 13 colonies convened in New Philadelphia to work as a group.  Resolutions were soon passed requesting that helmet laws be repealed and that all bakers be required to make cakes for gay weddings whether the cakes were ordered or not, or the cakes paid for in cash or on credit card. 

Tensions increased and soon all hell would break loose.  The men in the colonies prepared to protect their liberty by forming groups known as the Minutemen, a name given to them by their wives for some unknown reason. 

Before you know it Paul Revere and the Raiders began shouting "The Redcoats are coming!" (another sound-bite picked up by cable network news) and then sang their hit song that was sweeping the Colonies, "Cherokee Nation."  The crowds went wild. 
These events inspired Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence in 1776. The Revolution in America began in earnest (actually in New Philadelphia, and not in Earnest).

                     The rest is history, or so you think. 

Today we celebrate this joyous occasion of liberty that all men and women are created equal to be free to drink as much iced tea as humanly possible, and that no helmets have to be worn when we ride a horse regardless of head size, that Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips will never return to Cressona, and finally, that bakers are now forced under penalty of law to immediately bake cakes for any wedding, regardless of the flavor of the cake or the number of tiers requested, or whether their ovens are in working order or not. 
               Isn't that what freedom is all about?

                                                    

                                 God Bless America.