Leap Year Day

If you did not now it by now, 2008 is a “leap year.” That means an extra day of winter this year just as the groundhog predicted. “Why leap years?” you ask. Just as cars and spines need periodic adjustments, so does the earth. Our calendar needs to be kept in sync with the earth’s motion around the sun. A guest lecturer at the Pottsville Planetarium stated that without the leap years being added periodically, all of our days would get jumbled up, our television shows would appear at the wrong times, and the earth would be propelled out of its normal orbit around the sun and slowly drift off towards Pluto.
You probably thought that leap years occurred every four years to coincide with the Schuylkill County Senior Olympics. How wrong you are. Not about the Senior Olympics but about the raison d’etre of leap years. I came up with this handy Leap Year Guide to help you:
1. Every year divisible by 4 is a leap year. 2008 is divisible by 4, producing the number 502.
2. Forget Rule #1 if the year is divisible by 100. 2008 is not, so remember rule #1.
3. Forget Rule #2 if the year that is divisible by 100 is also divisible by 400. For example, the year 2000 is divisible by 4 making it a leap year. But it is divisible by 100, so it is disqualified and not a leap year. However, Rule #3 once again makes it a leap year as it is divisible by 400. (Pss…the correct answer is 500).
4. The extra day that a leap year gains is traditionally February 29th. The reasons are obvious as the month got short-changed to begin with. Also most people enjoy having one extra day of winter rather than summer.
5. At the stroke of midnight on February 28th everyone must turn his or her clocks back 24 hours. Or suffer the consequences of having the clocks explode.
6. Forget Rule #5 if you still use a sundial. Sundials are generally frozen to the ground in late February.
7. “Even” decades have three leap years in them, while “odd” decades have two leap years in them. I questioned this one as the 1960s was the oddest of decades but it had three leap years.
8. February 29th is referred to as “Sadie Hawkins’ Day” in Joliett, where the women get to marry anyone (man or woman) they can get their hands on. Other parts of the county celebrates it on November 15th.
9. Singers Dinah Shore and Ja Rule are the two most widely known leap year babies in the free world. These two singers made popularized our beloved “gangster rap” music with the likes of “Holla Holla", "It's Murda, "World's Most Dangerous,” "Shoo-Fly Pie and Apple Pan Dowdy", and "Buttons and Bows." Sadly, Ms. Shore passed away but Ja Rule is still alive with the help of numerous body guards. Before her death, Dinah and Ja Rule did collaborate on one Leap Year Tribute album, aptly titled “Buttons and ‘Ho’s.” It is available at Renninger’s Market.
10. Jimmy Dorsey is the most famous Schuylkill County leap year baby. The anniversary of the big band leader will go by largely unnoticed. Schuylkill County likes to honor former school board or water authority directors. He does not fit in those categories. Many believe Jimmy Dorsey was the twin brother of Tommy Dorsey, but they are wrong. Romulus and Remus, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Chang and Eng Bunker are twins but not the Dorseys.
May you and your family have a joyous, healthy and prosperous Leap Day.

P.S. Stay out of Joliett until the day is over.

Winter Traditions must be preserved

Over the years Pottsville had many big blizzards and with them comes a whole new set of social behavior rules. This year the it appears that the rules, like so many other traditions, are are being forgotten.
The most fundamental rule to remember is that you have the right of seasonal ownership of a parking space achieved by digging and shoveling. In Pottsville, this property right to claim a part of a public street is sacred. It is often compared to our right to bear arms. You know, the Second Commandment as written in the Torah that was given to Moses as played by Charlton Heston.
Like most rights, the government does have a few regulations to keep things orderly. For instance, to perfect one’s claim, a photograph of the spot must be on file at the Street Department, with a short filled out form, and a payment of a five dollar fee. Voila! You now have the exclusive right to that designated area until Easter Sunday. It is yours and no one else’s. God help any poor soul who inadvertently backs into “your spot.” But to keep bloodshed to a minimum, you must protect your newly acquired territory by the placement of a chair. This is not as simple as it sounds. Sociologists have come from around the world to study the “chair placing habits of Pottsvillians.”
“If dogs resemble their owners, then the street chairs resemble their Pottsville owners.” For instance, in front of churches, one can see pews or kneelers between the snow piles to protect parking spots for parishioners. Yes, and bar stools are common in front of the various pubs; commodes in front of the plumbers’ homes; barber and shiatsu massage chairs in front of the hair salons. I know I don’t have to tell you what type of chair the dentists display?

What chair would represent you or your occupation, lifestyle or personality? I often see a lot of wide lazy boy recliners on the streets. What is that saying about us as a society? Maybe a few weight benches or palatte machines would project a healthier image to the rest of the world that exists outside of Pottsville.
In the historical district, some chairs will be of the “early American” while others are dilapidated and torn chairs with legs removed. Those are the chairs of the numerous absentee property owners. Around the retirement homes, the chairs generally tend to be of the rocking, wheel or lift variety; while the young and hip - Pottsville has two of them at last count, by the way - place beanbag chairs on the streets. Newlyweds and newly shack-ups naturally drag loveseats outside. Young single moms are identified by the highchairs and potties in the streets. All in all, during a snowstorm Pottsville becomes a panoramic showplace of seats, couches, davenports, benches, settees, gliders, futons, stools, ottomans, and sofas.

"It is the common thread that binds us Pottsvillians together as one people."
To recognize and honor this important role that household furnishings play in the winter history of the streets of Pottsville, the city has developed an appreciation award that is presented during Carnival. The competition for this coveted award becomes very fierce. This year the winner was an inmate at the county prison. Prisoner #587. He walked away (no pun intended) with the grand prize by creating a replica of the legendary electric chair, “Old Sparky” which was placed outside of the prison to reverse a spot for his old lady who visits him every Tuesday and Thursday.

Intelligent Design

Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. February 12th is Charles Darwin's birthday.



What did you think of the Dover School District “Intelligent Design” trial where the plaintiffs argued that the teaching of “intelligent design” is nothing more than biblical teaching of creationism camouflaged in scientific language? The defendants had argued that “intelligent design” means there is some greater power at work and that Darwin’s theory is inadequate to account for the sheer complexity of living things.
The judge was given this Solomon’s task of deciding whether or not there was scientific proof of God’s existence, and if so, deciding whether or not God should be permitted to enter a biology class of a public school. He was also to determine whether the Hail Mary Pass could be used as a football play on public fields.
The trial got off to a rocky start when the plaintiffs demanded to be sworn in by raising their right hands on a copy of “Popular Science” magazine rather than the customary bible that so many witnesses have lied on…I mean relied on…. in the past.
As I said, the plaintiffs’ case was based on the premise that there is absolutely no scientific evidence that there is anything intelligent about the universe whatsoever, and that we owe our existence, not to God, but to the random mutations that have occurred since the “big bang” went off accidentally. While the judge did not permit any reference to either Fred or Wilma Flintstone, he did permit much evidence that was related to Schuylkill County. I will review these facts with you now.
The county connections can be found by perusing the thousands of exhibits introduced at the trial. For instance, the videotape introduced as Plaintiff’s Exhibit #101 captioned “Renninger’s Market on a Sunday afternoon” was more than convincing that intelligent design couldn’t be true. After watching this four hour tape, I was persuaded that no higher being would take credit for what was seen on that tape. Certainly the deity would take the Fifth Amendment if asked. If you don’t believe me then just head south on Route 61 any Sunday afternoon, roam around for a while and observe. While your there, pick up a dozen donuts, some tee shirts, old tools and assorted vegetables.

Days later the plaintiffs called Pottsville’s own Billie Payne as a hostile witness and had her identify photographs entitled “Pottsville May Fair.” A large gasp was heard in the courtroom when these pictures were enlarged for everyone in the courtroom to see. Was a picture of the Pottsville street festival depicting one obese shirtless man eating funnel cake compelling proof of the “random mutation” theory?
The plaintiffs introduced an old Bavarian beer bottle as Exhibit #421 and then introduced a Yuengling beer can as Exhibit #422. These exhibits presented a simple example of the progress made by beer containers over the years. The clumsy glass bottle was hard to open, heavy to hold and was to be returned to the distributor for a deposit refund. The new beer can was easy to open, light to hold and easily discarded along the highway after consumption. This was proof of the theory of evolution.
The same logic was used when an old Pottsville High Yearbook was introduced featuring the majorettes and cheerleaders of the 1930s and then compared with the 21st century Yearbooks. Certainly the contrast of majorettes and cheerleaders over the years proved the case for evolution – it was without a doubt that girls were getting hotter and better looking over time. “Which ones would you want to go out with?” asked the fiery attorney to the witness. While there was certainly no doubt as to the correct answer, the learned judge sustained an objection and the witness did not have to answer (to the relief of his wife sitting in the second row).
Dozens of witnesses testified for the plaintiffs. On cross-examination, they all admitted that it had been utter chaos to travel through Pottsville while the sewer lines were being replaced. The defense argued that the city streets during the project was an admission of a “living hell” and therefore of an afterlife.
Very puzzling indeed, but the plaintiffs were slowly building a case that there was clear and convincing evidence that there is no deity, or if there is a deity, he is playing one hell of a joke on all of us, especially those of us who drove through Pottsville during the sewer line project.

This former altar boy was left completely baffled and bewildered. What if there was no purpose to life? What if it is all a cosmic accident? What if coaches were actually forbidden to allow a Hail Mary Pass during the final seconds of a football game?
The defense’s case crumbled. The court ruled that no intelligent design could be behind either the Pottsville May Fair, Hegins Pigeon Shoot, or the Pierogie Bowl. Intelligent Design could not be taught in the biology class, but the Hail Mary Pass could remain on the football field.
Did this mean that God did not exist? Not really. I thought of the words of the world’s most revered scientist, Albert Einstein … “The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science… Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”
I now felt at peace and turned on the Jerry Springer Show to watch random mutation in action.

The Rise and Fall of the Going My Way

“Say it ain't so Mike.”





That was my thought when I read the news that the city of Pottsville is planning to demolish 521 North Centre Street, the home of the legendary "Going My Way Bar." From the standpoint of historic preservation it will be one of the largest cultural disasters in the history of Pottsville. Some say that it will surpass the destruction of The Academy of Music, The Hippodrome and The Capitol Theatre all rolled into one. While I wouldn’t go that far, I do know many have fond memories of the G.M.W. and wish it would reopen.



To further investigage I went down to the Historical Society and read up on their impressive collection of the history of the go go movement in the county. I then walked around Centre Street and interviewed dozens of pedestrians, getting their comments on this crisis:

"I'm speechless."


These are the words of one old lounge lizard who frequented the bar which featured semi-clad or topless dancers during Pottsville's swinging '70s. Incidentally, he was still dressed in his finest polyester leisure suit at the time of this interview.

"bummer, man."


One aging baby boomer lamented that he had fond memories of listening to “Brown Sugar” and “Black Magic Woman” on the juke box while enjoying the talented dancers after his return from ‘Nam. He remembered that the place had a german shepard behind the bar. Pottsville's own canine bouncer.

“I think that the we should band together and try and renovate it."

Yes many do-gooders walking north on Centre Street, linking arms and singing Kumbaya, stopped and told me that we need another Sovereign Majestic-type fundraiser to preserve this part of the city’s go go history. Where is PADCO when you need it?

"It was my sanctuary from all of the turmoil in my house.”
These words were repeated over and over again when I interviewed random husbands.

“Saw it seven times when it played at the Hollywood. I took me mother. God bless her soul."



Apparently this gentleman got the question confused and thought I was asking about the Bing Crosby movie, "Going My Way" of 1944 where Bing ,playing the role of Father O’Malley, sang, “Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra.” The juke box at the G.M.W., fortunately, did not carry that Irish lullaby. "Brown Sugar" but not "Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra."

“There is something un-patriotic about an exotic dancer wearing anything… anything made in China.”
Many of the city labor leaders are still nostalgic and weepy eyed, not only over the loss of the NFL title in 1925, but also over the loss of the garment industry in Pottsville. The whole United States for that mattter. They reminisced about a time when clothing, even skimpy, skanky attire, was made locally. Now all of these hot pants and other trashy clothes are made overseas and shipped to America for our young, teenage girls to buy.

"The loss of both the occupational privilege taxes paid by the dancers and the city business privilege taxes was devastating to the city. "
Those were the words of many who watch over the city coffers.

“I remember seeing my first pole dancer there.”
Was her name Rita Pisarcik? Was she from New Minersville or Girardville? He wasn't sure. Neither am I. Farewell "Going My Way." Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra.