leave all 67 of us alone

I was reading House Bill 2431 which was introduced in our legislature for the asinine purpose of consolidating local governments into their respective county governments. It was in the August 1^st Republican Herald.

It made me sick to my stomach.

I thought of the sacrifices made by our service men and women who protect our way of life here in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the Keystone State, where we can still enjoy a myriad of government officials, their administrative staffs, their workers and assorted hanger-ons - all duplicating services for us, the little people.

Now someone politician wants to take this right away from us.

Well excuse me. I feel sick again.

I don’t want history to repeat itself. I know what happened to Yorkville one hundred years ago. It was once a thriving metropolis, the heart of Germanic culture in Schuylkill County. It had its own government, led by Der Bürgermeister, its own administrative staff, its own schools, its own road crew, its own polizeikraft, its own Hundefänger, and its own currency. In a blink of an eye, all of that was taken away.

The promise that the Yorkvillians would retain their cultural heritage was immediately broken. Immediately the Pottsville City council outlawed German chocolate cake, lederhosen, and techno music – yes, techno music. The only thing left remaining was beer drinking. But the worst was that Yorkville bureaucrats were forced to find employment in the free market. The Yorkville tax collector I understand, when confronted with having to find honest employment, had to be institutionalized, thereby depriving another person of a needed bed at the local asylum. Yes, there still is only one county asylum rather than 67 asylums.... just another reason I am against consolidation.

While the obliteration of Yorkville is widely known, the conquest of Rahn Township, in the east end of Schuylkill County (yes, there really is an east end), has been kept a secret. A top secret.

Rahn Township was a civilization far more advanced than our own. It was a peaceful community with superior knowledge, thriving commerce and advanced technology. Archaeologists have verified that the eight track cartridge was widely used in Rahn Township over one hundred years ago, substantiating the claim of scientific advancement. There is very little other evidence of Rahn Township’s glory days left. Perhaps a few stones from one of the sacred wells or the altar to Poseidon, but that is about it. Despite rumors, there is no proof that Rahnites grew extraterrestrial wheat but the lack of evidence does not extinguish the legend surrounding Rahn Township.

No one predicted the fall of Rahn civilization, but it happened.

The consolidation of Tamaqua with Rahn Township was meant to save tax dollars. A very benign endeavor... “Building permits would be issued from only one department rather than two”... was the rallying cry. Thus began the slide on the slippery slope to oblivion. Within a few years Rahn Township was no more. Its few surviving natives were led off to make the back flaps for the thermal underwear in the factories of Tamaqua, never to return home. The altar to Poseidon was leveled and all the eight track cartridges destroyed.

This is why House bill 2431 must be defeated. Remember that consolidating local governments will eliminate many good paying jobs that have both defined benefit pension plans and other fringe benefits, such as pet bereavement leave. Many of these jobs have been held by families generation after generation. By increasing government we will be increasing employment.

We should be encouraging more local government as an economic stimulus package. For instance Schuylkill Haven could be easily split into several independent municipalities – Smoketown, Columbia Heights and the Irish Flats for starters; each with its own police force, solicitor’s office, dog catcher and street department. Likewise in St. Clair, Arnot’s Addition is just itching for independence, you can see it in the sullen eyes of its downtrodden citizenry.

I don’t want to hear any more bullsh*t about consolidation. I want more layers of inefficient governments, not less. It is our tax money and we should be able to waste it as we see fit. Inefficiency is part of our Pennsylvanian heritage and we must fight to protect it. Local government in Schuylkill County is a beautiful mosaic of 67 distinct units, often compared to the AIDS quilt, and we need to protect every one of those units.

I don’t care that our fragmented system of local government is out of touch with the 21^st century as I always thought that the 19^th century was great (except for the civil war). If Pennsylvania is running out of money then legalize and tax other forms of gambling. Rooster fighting for starters, but please, just let every one of our 67 local tax collectors count the money.

requiem for a peanut roll

Special to the Beansoup for the Soul Blog
Pottsville, Aug 1(AP) – The special County Grand Jury today convened to investigate charges of chocolate candy hoarding against several individuals, all violations of Section 6 of the Pottsville Candy Control Act, alleged to have large quantities of peanut rolls, nonpareils, and chocolate covered cherries in their possession.
In a statement issued by the City of Pottsville’s Surgeon General, it was alleged that the candy hoarding was apparently sufficient to maintain a family for a year and hence far in excess of the requirements for seven days, the period recognized by the City as a “reasonable” for residents during this time of crisis.
This is the first investigation of individual candy hoarding which became illegal after the sudden and abrupt closing of Mootz Candy Store, which created pandemonium in the county seat and elsewhere. With the announcement of the close of Mootz Candy Store, panic and fear took hold of the population. Long lines formed to purchase the remaining candy supplies at fifty per cent off (see photograph above), thus allowing the lucky ones to consume twice as much chocolate, but leaving the majority of us without enough chocolate to survive. The line at the store was reported to be larger than the bleenie line in Shenandoah on social security day according to an anonymous reliable source.
The crisis was unparalleled in modern Pottsville History in terms of scope, size and violence. It was more violent than the Cartoon Riots that occurred in Garfield Square over ten years ago when a passerby questioned the chastity of little orphan Annie, who was beloved by the citizenry. The Cartoon riots lasted five days, ending with the pillaging and destruction of the Garfield School building, often compared to the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem.

The initial protest over the candy shortage occurred along Centre Street, spilling northwards towards Jalappa and southwestward towards Bunker Hill. Starting with peaceful petitioning, the disturbance quickly escalated to riots and looting. The police were able to quell the disturbances within twenty-four hours with the assistance of the city K-9 corps and meter maids.
City Hall issued a press release stating that the police are ready at all times to proceed against hoarders, regardless of their social standing, and that charges will be filed to the end. It is alleged that one house on Greenwood Hill was recently raided, revealing a garage with 10 barrels of dark fudge, 7 barrels of white fudge, 5 barrels of maple walnut fudge, 105 pounds of non-pareils, 100 pounds of chocolate covered pretzels and 75 pounds of gumdrops.
Neighbors are reporting neighbors who are discovered to be burying large quantities of peanut rolls in backyards; all as a result of the reward money posted by the city.
The Surgeon General hopes that with the opening of the Intermodal Transportation Center busses will be available for those wanting to travel to Hershey in order to obtain the sought after chocolate.

With the approaching extinction of quality retail stores in the county, discussions are underway for a second hand candy store to open at the former Mootz location. When asked what a second hand candy store is, a PADCO representative said "a store that sells old candy past its expiration date, but at a deep discount; I prefer not to refer to it as stale candy; hopefully there will be candy cigarettes, Sugar Babies, Sky Bars, Mary Janes, fizzies, Bonomo turkish taffy, jujubes and wax lips. Such candy would be appropriate in a historical district... especially the wax lips which could add some long needed color to Centre Street."