the Schuylkill Rangers

I too have been caught up with all of the pirate news. Most of you, however, are unaware of the pirates that roamed the Schuylkill River years ago. Yes, the Pennsylvania canals were just as infested by pirates as the coast of Somalia is today. Unlike the fast moving cargo ships that can outrun an invader, lumbering canalboats practically invited invasion by these cutthroat buccaneers.
Canallers were at the mercy of the shallow-water pirates. To reach their destination with cargoes intact, the honest boatmen had to be prepared to fight against river pirates, such as the Schuylkill Rangers who travelled up and down the Schuylkill attacking the innocent and the defenseless (but not necessarily in that order).

So bold did these Rangers become that they once attempted to take possession of Schuylkill Haven, a thriving, bustling town along the Canal.

Arrr! me hearty! I heard stories about that episode, when the pirates landed during a Burro Day celebration in a late September, frightening the local wenches by upending the numerous displays of crochet dolls and knick-knacks that were for sale along East Main Street, and taking their plunder, without paying, to their docked ship, “The Rattlesnake” along with several of the town’s favorite geese.
Luckily for the townspeople that before more destruction and mayhem occurred, the pirates boarded their ship and headed north to Cressona where more action occurred at the local “Long John Silver’s” near Connor’s Crossing.
Soon after devouring buckets of fish nuggets the scalawags headed to the Cressona Mall. The pirate captain was a great, massive-shouldered fellow with a big red beard, a peg leg, a crutch, an eye-patch, a nicotine patch, and a brass hook at the end of his left arm. He led his band of men into the Mall to distribute their home-made Boz Scaggs pieces of eight-tracks to unsuspecting landbubbers, as well as dozens of their copyright-infringed Doobie Brothers eight-tracks. With their ill-gotten gains from customers looking for bargains, they all went to Cinema 61 and watched an Arrr-rated movie before boarding “The Rattlesnake” continuing their northward journey to port of Pottsville.
The Captain made sure that “The Rattlesnake” would not have to fend off the yellow plastic ducks that once had almost overcome the ship during an unsuspected UCP duck race. The bright, starry night gave the crew the night vision necessary to complete their journey and avoid any plastic duck attack. Despite some grumblings from some of the crew that wanted to drop anchor near the Dusselfink, to hook-up with some native women, the captain had the ship sail northward with his goal the distribution of a countless number of bootlegged and illegal eight tracks, as well as the plundering and ransacking of Goldie’s Store on Centre Street.
“Ahoy there Mady’s!”
From up in the crow’s nest, the look-out spotted the legendary car wash at the southern end of the city. Pottsville would soon be within their grasp!
The original Transportation Inter-modal Terminal in Pottsville had a port that allowed “The Rattlesnake” to dock along side the East Penn busses.

The City had been alerted and was waiting for the Pirates. The Mayor had mobilized the entire city police force, the Greenwood Hill Fire Department, school crossing guards, meter maids,Winter Carnival Vulcans and Vunlcanettes and even three nuns from Nativity High School.
The fiercest naval battle in the History of Pottsville ensued and the pirates were driven back down the Schuylkill never to return. Thankfully the pirated Doobie Brothers and Boz Scaggs eight tracks never made it to shore.

Piracy would not be a problem in Pottsville for many years to come - until the piracy of pay television began with the arrival of illegal decoder set-top boxes, all sent to the area to satisfy the huge demand for WrestleMania.

Easter Egg Roll

I woke up with great anticipation. It was Easter and time for the downtown Egg Roll. Yes, Mammy put on her finest bonnet, while I put on my finest John Deere cap, and we headed down to center city Pottsville for the time honored tradition of dining at the local Chinese Restaurant for an “all you can eat buffet” and pig out on egg rolls. After the appetite stimulating Easter Parade, of course.
I remember when Chinese food came to Pottsville. It was in the early 1970s, when both Mao on the mainland and the Mayor of Pottsville declared a “Great Leap Forward” for their people. In Pottsville that meant a massive sidewalk expansion project. But to widen sidewalks or just to leap in any direction required food. The Mayor and the Chinese quickly signed a trade agreement.
We would get Chinese food and they would get Ying Ling beer.
Wonton Soup arrived first. The tanker docked along the River in Mount Carbon and the Cantonese dumplings were rapidly taken by truck to “The House of China” which had just opened at the corner of Third and West Market Street to the awaiting festive crowd that was serenaded by the Third Brigade Band's rousing rendition of “Everybody is Kung Fu Fighting.”

You have to remember; back in the 1970s the main foods consumed in Pottsville were Coney Island hamburgers (with the chili sauce), pepperoni pizza, firehouse mackerel (for breakfast of course) and Mootz peanut rolls. The most foreign food to enter the city was the bleenie, which was eaten only after a large consumption of lager ale while at a block party. Generally the person eating the bleenie would not even realize what he or she had eaten until the following morning. The Mayor wanted Pottsville to become a more cosmopolitan and worldly city and he thought the introduction of foreign foods would speed up this process.
After several weeks the populace got acclimated to the Wonton soup, even though some thought they were consuming soggy pierogies. Next, sweet pork was slowly initiated, to be then followed by sour pork.
When the sour pork was introduced, it lead to heated arguments. The fighting lasted for days. Which was tastier – the sweet or the sour? To settle the feud, the Director of the Pottsville Incubator was summoned and with a massive infusion of federal Revenue Sharing dollars, “sweet and sour pork” was created.

The standoff was ended.
Skeptics wondered how pork could be simultaneously sweet and sour, but thanks to the Incubator Project, what was once considered impossible became a reality. Future generations of diners would enjoy the diametrically opposed flavors simultaneously.
To commemorate the occasion, the Pottsville Incubator Building boasts a historical marker, proclaiming to be the birthplace of Sweet and Sour Pork.

That brings me back to the Egg Roll.
I had long been a fan of foreign foods, such as kielbossi and halushki. I was also there when the egg rolls were delivered to Pottsville for the first time in the cover of darkness. The egg roll changed my life forever. While there is no egg in egg plant, the egg roll I tasted that night did have a somewhat eggy taste. Yet after ripping it apart I did not find any egg. How this could be accomplished baffles me to this day.
I could not stop at just one and ate at least a dozen.
You may be thinking what my tirade has to do with Easter and the celebratory egg roll of your forefathers and foremothers which involved real physical activity.
.
Yes, there used to be egg rolling in Pottsville, back in the Depression days of Mayor Lord, when children would gather downtown and, without using hands, push hardboiled eggs up to the East Side swimming pool. A precursor to youth soccer.
I was told that the trick to winning the event was to have the shell removed from your egg before rolling.
Now egg rolling is a thing of the past; children prefer to do their egg rolling electronically, using their expensive hand held Wii virtual egg rolling games.
I have no Wii and I don’t want a Wii. Besides after eating so many egg rolls, and after so many years of marriage, the only physical event that Mammy and I partake in is egg tapping. This game is simple: two contestants each hold an egg and the eggs are tapped together and the goal is break open the shell of the other.
Try it some time. Happy Easter.