Schuylkill County and Hoodie Hooism

I will not celebrate Hoodie-Hoo Day. Call me an old fuddy duddy, I don’t care. I will not participate in any of the numerous countywide festivities. The concept of grown adults going outside on February 20th at twelve noon to cast some sort of mass spell is against my religious beliefs. At twelve noon I plan to be inside somewhere, hopefully eating a huge cheesesteak, smoking a cigarette and drinking a lager ale.

If you are not familiar with Hoodie-Hooism, it is a combination of Pennsylvania Dutch Pow-Wow, Louisiana VooDoo, and urban gangsta rap. On February 20th open your window and listen the pounding drum rhythms, while the participants chant dutch proverbs (“Kissin’ wears out – cookin’ don’t”) and sing their songs (“Siss Net Alli Daag Luschdich Leewe”) as they do hip hop arm and hand gestures towards the noon day sun. At the same time,some white-robed, red- hatted HooDoo priestess leads them in some strange incantation meant to alter the weather and create more global warming.

These people want to shorten the winter and lengthen the summer!
Their rituals are elaborate, steeped in secret Pennsylvania Dutch, French Creole, and gangsta rap languages. Talismans are bought and sold during the rituals; some could even be bobble heads that represent HooDoo gods. This is the dark side of Hoodie Hooism that I am trying to warn you about. It uses hapless participants to summon the spirit world to alter the normal course of nature, shorten winter, and defying all that the groundhog had told us. Just watch as the high priestess places candles, food, money, cigarettes, amulets, lottery tickets, herbs, necklaces, ceremonial rattles, magical powders, cans of Yuengling beer, flags, bells, sacred stones and knives upon the HooDoo rug (pictured here) as the incantations begin in earnest.

"HOODY HOO!!!!! That's the call for the killaz.
Don’t make me call the dogs (use my ghetto code)
Oh, we got beef? HOODY HOO!
I represent the dirty south
For all my thugs and thugettes out there
To the world
Get rowdy, bout it, bout it (Where they at?)
Where the tru thugs at?
HOODY HOO, Buckle up, Knuckle up What you wanna do?

HOODY HOO, Buckle up, Knuckle up. What you wanna do?

HOODY HOO, Buckle up, Knuckle up. What you wann do?"

Spells which are conjured up to alter the weather take a long time to cast and take a lot of psychic power. The incantations go on for hours. That is why healthy, vigorous volunteers are requested to take part. Those of weakened physical ability sometimes end up in zombie-like stupor with no will of their own destined to walk up and down Pottsville's Centre Street forever.

Hoodie Hooism (a/k/a HooDoo) does not have a structured hierarchy, nor an established theology or clergy. It relies on these lay practitioners under the watchful eye of a Hoodie Hoo doctor or priestess. HooDoo was first documented in 1875 when a spell was cast upon a Pine Grove summer sausage salesman who soon met economic disaster. Hoodie Hooism was recently linked to the freak hail storm that wrecked havoc on the Pottsville Cruise Parade in 2008.

Scientists have been following Hoodie Hooism for years. The direct correlation between global warming and increased Hoodie Hooism can no longer be denied. Go to the Majestic Theatre and watch the award winning “An Inconvenient Truth” once it comes around again.
Since the 1960s, both the atmospheric CO 2 level has increased in direct co-relation to the number of Hoodie Hoo events. Thus, Hoodie Hooism is a proven substantial factor in global warming which can no longer be ignored.

I am not arguing that Hoodie Hooism to be the sole cause of global warming, as one cannot rule out other external forces influencing climate changes. Certainly the eruption of Mount Laffee several years ago, the variations in earth’s orbit around the sun, and the gasses emitted by local greenhouses and those eating excessive amounts of sauerkraut or brussel sprouts are other factors that need immediate attention.

Stay away from Hoodie Hoo. Watch the video below.

Elvis & Cruise Night

I enjoy cruise night because it is the only time people in Pottsville come outside other than to recieve the Domino Pizza that was just delivered. I also grew up with Elvis.

Like most people, I often wonder what Elvis would think about Pottsville’s cruise night. I am sure that the King would love Cruise Night if he were still alive as he had an affinity for Cadillacs. During his lifetime he had purchased over one hundred of them. I am sure that he would love to drive into town in his 1955 pink and white Fleetwood Cadillac and head over to 7th and West Market Street looking for the Earl Stoyer Cadillac Showroom. Sadly he would be disappointed to learn that it was now a dental office. Making the best of it, he would get a quick teeth cleaning from Dr. Barket before heading uptown. Elvis would be 69 years old this year if he was still alive, so I am sure that he would also stop at Dr. Jack Dolbin’s for some chiropractic treatment. The ride from Memphis to Pottsville would take a toll on anyone’s back, whether you are the King of Rock and Roll or not. Feeling refreshed after his spinal adjustment, he would drive into Martz Hall parking lot and register, just like anyone else. After registration he would try to call Mohammed Ali at his Deer Lake camp. Alas, The Champ had out-migrated like so many others. Luckily, the new owner of the camp told him that the place is the Butterfly and Bee Bed and Breakfast. Elvis would request a room and then would ask if the place had a breakfast buffet. “Pancakes fit for a King.” He would reserve a room using his AARP discount. Throngs of the curious would surround him, and he would talk to them all. Many would not know he was. Some would say he sure doesn’t look like Elvis Costello. Others would be excited to see Michael Jackson’s former father-in-law in person. Some would marvel that, despite his age and medical problems, he still looked better than Keith Richards.
When the actual cruise started, Elvis’ car would certainly be moved to the front of the line. After a few pictures taken with Mayor Reilly and Jerry Enders, he would accelerate and head down Laurel Boulevard. He would be greeted with cheers of, “burn some rubber, gramps!” The King of Rock and Roll would oblige the crowds after some youngster would pour Clorox on the asphalt to give him just the right amount of traction. How would Elvis react to Officer Clarkson pulling him over to ticket him? I imagine he would tell the policeman, “Don't be cruel, officer, to a heart that's true?” No one knows but I am sure that Clarkson would be let go with just a warning to act his age.
When Elvis gets to Centre Street, he would be greeted with immense adulation from his well wishers. His response would be his trademark, “Thank you, thank you very much.” He would look around and notice all of the changes in Pottsville since he had been here last thirty years or so ago. Someone would yell out to him to make sure he looks at the General’s statue that was just placed at the old fountain. “General, did someone say General…I sure could go for some General Tso’s chicken right now....Hey! The Coney’s still in business!” This would be the first of several stops along the way.
“I like my burgers well done. I wonder if I can still get three for a dollar?”
He would look around while eating his burger and marvel at all of the new parking lots and the reconstruction of the farmer’s market into a theatre.
“Damn, I wish it was still a farmer’s market, I could go for some collard greens. I wonder if the Majestic will show ‘Harem Scarum’ or ‘Liva Los Vegas’ here soon?”
Further down the street, Elvis could see that Pomeroy’s was now gone but Bohorad’s was still in business. “I wonder if Bohorad’s carries any sequined jumpsuits with capes?”
Then it would be time for a quick pit stop at the Garfield. “Mmm. Ham bone dumplings and glazed donuts!”
Further up the street, he would be disappointed that Charlie’s Pizza Shop was closed as it was a Sunday. “I could go for a hunka hunka burning hot pizza right now.” But at Mike Watcher’s auto center he would get out to admire the car dealer’s hot pink Caddy and enjoy some potato salad with Ginny, the office manager. By the time he got to the Uptown Coney for a few burgers and fries, he would be getting some indigestion and decide to call it a night. “Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising higher and higher. It's burning through to my soul. Maybe it’s that special sauce. I better call Dr. Nick when I get to Deer Lake.” With that he would drive towards the Gordon Nagle Trail.
Over the loudspeaker from the parking lot, the voice could be heard telling the large group, “Elvis has left the Yorkville Coney.”