My Top Ten Predictions for the Orthodox New Year

This year my new year resolution was to avoid any discussion on the New Year baby and so far I have kept my word. Best wishes to the mom, baby and the anonymous donor!

On January 13th, the Orthodox New Year's Day, I will formally announce my Predictions for 2011 in the Walmart Lobby. Since I received my associate's degree in hocus pocus from McCann's, I have been hailed as the true successor to Nostradamus.

To those of you that have no life and continue to read this blog I will give you a head's up on these predictions. So take solace my friends. Print them out and put them away to keep score next December. I have only been wrong once; that was when I erroneously predicted that the Three Pennsylvania Dutch Tenors' Groundhog Day CD would go platinum.

TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR THE ORTHODOX NEW YEAR

10. At the Sovereign Majestic Theatre members of the scientific community will present irrefutable proof that space aliens have indeed made contact with earth by premiering a startling documentary on the Pottsville American Way Fair.

9. During the upcoming Commissioner Race a “birther conspiracy movement” will spread rumors that the Mayor of Mount Carbon is not as youthful as he claims to be. The growing demands for the release of his birth certificate will divert attention from the pressing issues.

8. At the September County Real Estate Tax Sale, the entire borough of Shenandoah will be sold to a Saudi Prince - with Mahanoy City included in the sale - after the investor agrees to pay in cash! Ironically, within three years the Prince will demand his money back.

7. A new Dead Sea scroll will be discovered near the Rock along the Schuylkill River south of Port Clinton giving rise to a new religious sect as well as to a new pun - “Rock and Scroll" which results in yours truly being tossed off off the Rock.

6. The American Medical Association (AMA) will make a major announcement that will send shock waves around the world declaring that bleenies indeed cure flatulence.

5. Full body scans will be instituted at the Schuylkill County Fair after Congressman Holden delivers a check to cover the costs of the extra large equipment that is required. Three oversized women will appear with the Congressmen in a newspaper photograph accepting the check.

4. In a controversial development, the County Commissioners will issue a proclamation declaring mayonnaise the official condiment of the county's bicentennial celebrations resulting in both a stunning defeat for the north-of-the- mountain horseradish supporters as well as dozens of arrests throughout the county.

3. The Yorkville Burger King will select a commoner wife from Minersville. A royal wedding will be held at St. Patrick’s Chapel in early Spring with the reception to follow at...you guessed it...the Burger King.

2. My parole application will once again be denied.

1. In a move to increase its membership, the stodgy old Pottsville Club will forego its strict dress code by experimenting with a "Pantless Wednesday."

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Courthouse Christmas Tree

The Court House Christmas Tree this year is a celebration of the county’s bicentennial as well as a loving salute to our vast number of municipal governments.

The Court House Christmas Tree Committee (CHCTC) has been scrutinizing the submission of ornaments from the various municipalities to be inducted onto a branch on this year’s tree. With so many local governments there is a concern that the tree would be incapable of holding the weight. At last count there were between 67 -253 officially sanctioned municipalities and governmental entities.
Sadly, Yorkville was not allowed to participate in the tree celebration. Yorkville’s controversial hand-painted ceramic Christmas ball featuring the likeness of the Burger King Restaurant was removed by deputy sheriffs after a protest was lodged by the City of Pottsville. It was wrestled to the ground and thrown in the Courthouse Dumpster. As you know, the City claims control of this contested territory as a result of a controversial election about one hundred years ago. If the Yorkville ornament remained on the tree, then Pottsville threatened to remove its numerous ornaments. The Pottsville ornaments are quite spectacular and include a replica of a purse once carried by Crazy Sarah and a string of popcorn. Not just any popcorn, but buttered popcorn that was found beneath the ruins of the Capitol Theatre.

Pottsville insists that Yorkville is an inalienable part of Pottsville and Pottville’s City Hall is the sole legal authority over the disputed territory. This authoritarian policy had created tension and saber-rattling in the neighboring municipalities of Mount Carbon, Palo Alto, Mechanicsville, Port Carbon and Shoentown; all of which still refuse to recognize the absorption of Yorkville into Greater Pottsville. These neighboring municipalities still recognize a free and independent Yorkville with its capital building at Lotz’s Café on West Market Street.

Incidentally, the third week in July is celebrated as Captive Municipalities Week in many of these places with speeches and parades promoting independence for such places as Yorkville, Rahn Township, Teaberry Hill, The Irish Flat’s, Altamont, Shenandoah’s First Ward, Smoketown, and Arnot’s Addition. Many of these captive municipalities have established governments in exiles, or shadow governments, with a headquarters at the Schuylkill Mall. If you stop by the Mall the headquarters is located near K-Mart. Inside the headquarters one can stop and talk to the various unofficial officials, their staff and solicitors. This year as a fund raiser you can get your child’s photo taken on the Mayor of Arnot’s Addition’s lap.

Now back to the tree. Some ornaments were immediately rejected, such as Mount Carbon’s submission of two of its residents (who were supposedly “lit up like Christmas Trees” after leaving the Brett Michael’s concert). In their place, the Court house accepted an old Bavarian Beer bottle cap. The West Penn Township’s donation of a Pontiac hood ornament from its local auto junk yard was approved after the County’s Office of Weights and Measures got its scale out and declared the weight to be acceptable. The hood ornament is now on the fifth branch from the top (east side).

Alcoholic submissions got mixed signals. Porter Township’s submission of a bottle of Porter Ale was approved after the Treasurer’s Office gave a five cent deposit on the bottle’s safe return. Walker Township’s bottle of Johnny Walker Whiskey was deemed too heavy and mysteriously vanished, only to reappear a day later... but now empty.

From the trout family to all of youse:
Merry/Happy: Select one: __Christmas, __Hanukah, __Festivus,__ Kwanzaa,__ Solstice, __Boxing Day,___ (generic) Holiday... And to all a good night.

Conundrum

"Conundrum"
That is a fancy word for puzzle or mystery. The conundrum I am facing was created by two opposing recent realities:
1. Mammy got a letter from the Social Security Administration which told her that her benefits are protected against inflation. By law they increase when there is a rise in the cost of living. The government measures changes in the cost of living through the Department of Labor’s Consumer Price Index (CPI). The CPI has not risen since the last cost-of-living adjustment was determined in 2008. As a result her benefits will not increase in 2011 (yes, Mammy is older than me, she is what is referred to as a cougar).
2. Pennsylvania lawmakers and judges are entitled to a cost of living pay increase due to inflation. Yes, I understand that there are different statistical data used for government officials than those used for the regular folks, but it is difficult to explain to others. Starting this month, the 1.6709 percent cost-of-living increase will boost a legislator’s salary to $79,623.23. I tried to remember what some of the fringe benefits included and found an old 2006 list, which included health care insurance, long term nursing home insurance, disability, dental, vision, and prescription insurance, $39,800 per year for expenses; $4,000 for postage, $141 a day stipend on legislative business; $7,800 for auto leasing, and some others including the golden cow – a defined benefit pension. These have all gone up since then I assume.

This puzzle can be referred to as a koan or paradox. But I told Mammy the solution to the koan is obvious, government officials have higher bills to pay than the rest of us. I told her to quit complaining and cut back on her Metamucil intake, try diluting it with more water or eat more dandelions. She can quite the Matlock fan club and save a few bucks on the dues. She can cut back on bleenies and order only five instead of six. We should be blessed that Schuylkill County has three representatives working for us in Harrisburg and they deserve every penny earned as well as those perks.

As for the appellate judges, Cadillacs, Lexuses, Mercedes Benz, and high end SUVs (including one leased by one Supreme Court Justice from his own brother) are expensive to maintain, even if the state pays for their monthly lease payments and reimburses them for mileage. Pennsylvania’s top judges are among the highest paid in the nation and I told Mammy that she should get down on her knees and thank the Lord above that this is so, and hopefully no other state will ever surpass us. I told her that she should check the price of Turtle Wax. It is through the roof.