school district blues

Last month I read about the upheaval in the North Schuylkill School District. It sort of reminded me of the reality tv show Survivor with only one person is left. I soon put my paper down and fell asleep in my easy chair...I began to dream that I was the only director of the school district...and I was holding my first meeting......what a dream....

After the pledge of allegiance and the roll call, I called the meeting to order. I immediately moved to rename the high school after myself. I seconded the motion and it passed unanimously. I then moved to invite Arlen Spector to the gala dedication ceremony with the High School band playing only Metallica music. After I seconded, the motion was approved.

Then it came to the fiscal business. I immediately tackled the budget and motioned to allocate a large amount of money to be spent, I mean invested, at Mohegan Sun. Since gambling is off- limits to minors, which includes nearly all of the students not red-shirted, I graciously volunteered to play the slot machines in hopes of raising needed revenue without increasing taxes on the hard working property owners. My gesture of goodwill was accepted by the board without any objection.

Then there was the controversial issue of sex education. Should there be an increase in sex education or should that be left alone, to be figured out behind the bleachers after a big game? I moved that the matter be tabled until after the football season. The matter was so tabled.

Being sensitive to recent court rulings on "church and state" I moved that all textbooks be reviewed to remove any reference to a diety. In its place more references to Klingons and their language would be added, welcomed also by the Linguistics Department. Also, as Pluto had been cast out of the Solar System, as if it was some school board director, the time spent on teaching about the solar system (now in disarray) would be better spent on discussing Planet Hollywood. I then moved to approve a sub-lease of the Cafeteria with Planet Hollywood. After a spirited debate, the motion was approved unanimously.

I then moved that the science curriculum be revamped to teach the theory of Unintelligent Design and feature photographic evidence taken at Renninger's Market and the Pottsville American Way Fair. This would certainly scare the bejeezus out of the creationists and convince them once and for all that mankind is still evolving from the swamp. After lengthy debate, the motion failed as I had to abstain from voting due to a conflict of interest. Apparently I was caught in the photographs taken at Renninger's Market purchasing a watermelon and six sticky buns. Another photograph depicted Mammy and I eating funnel cake at the last American Way Fair. I had lots of powered sugar on my face in that one!

The press then pushed me on my position with the rebels in Ringtown who were clamoring for self-determination. I responded that I would not hesitate to declare a state of Murphy's Law and call out every patrol boy and crossing guard in the district to quell any disturbance in that break-away municipality. But as a token of goodwill I stressed that I would push for peace talks with the rebels, to be held in a neutral arena, such as Mohegan Suns Slots Parlor, in the law abiding neighboring Luzerne County. I would personally attend such a summit and stay as long as it takes to have "peace with honor."

I then set a date for the next meeting and placed on the agenda the need to consider changing the nickname of the school from the ethnically-offensive Spartans which I consider stereotypically degrading to our Greek-American citizens, most of whom are peaceful restaurant proprietors....I finally moved to adjourn the meeting, I then seconded my motion and the meeting was adjourned.....zzz....zzzz....zzz.....zzzz

City Mascot

Only a few of the many Schuylkill County municipalities are lucky enough to have official mascots. Some of the more familiar names include the Clamtown Clam and Ringie, the Ringtown Ring Worm. However Pottsville has been under contract with the famed snowman, Pottsie Ottsie, for almost three decades. There is now a public demand that his contract with the City not be renewed. Some taxpayer groups are questioning whether or not the city got a raw deal when the contract was first signed. Many insist that Pottsie Ottsie has not lived up to the rigors of the job and that it is time for a replacement? Some argue that a City Mascot is an unnecessary frill and a waste of tax dollars. However these uninformed individuals are not aware that the City Code mandates a mascot.
City Ordinance 3755, adopted in the early 1970’s, reads as follows:

“The City of Pottsville finds that a mascot has the potential of having great benefit and impact upon the people of Pottsville. It is the intent of this ordinance to provide for an exclusive city mascot and to regulate the activities of the said mascot within the limits of the City and the satellite and puppet municipalities of Mount Carbon,Mechanicsville, and Palo Alto.”

The ordinance was adopted when the city was going through a metamorphosis with many changes occurring.The City Surgeon General predicted a rapid rise in obesity within the city.In response, a public works project was immediately commenced; widening the downtown sidewalk in order to handle the pending girth of pedestrians. However, city officials failed to realize that obese people aren’t noted for any discretionary walking and the large sidewalks remained empty. This time period is known to all as the "Era of big sidewalks."
I recently visited the Historical Society and after several hours of research I discovered that there were numerous applications for the position of city mascot. In fact, applications came from all four corners of the county. Auditions were held for the position of mascot after a merit selection panel, free of any political pressure had been appointed. These four men and one woman had a tremendous burden placed on them – to select the city’s goodwill ambassador! Right off the bat, many applicants were disqualified as not projecting the “right” image. For instance, the chain smoking Sharp Mountain bear, the fuming East Penn Co. Bus, and, of course, the unknown Warlock biker, were just three immediately rejected.
The finalists were selected on personality, poise, talent and brains. Most of the talent was mediocre as the various interpretations of “Smoke on the Water” got stale rather quickly. However, the brains category required the contestant to properly spell such words as Mahantongo, Jallapa, Faraquar, and Fischbach; Pottsie Ottsie nailed them all!
However, when it came down to the final two contestants, the judges had their work cut out for them. Henry- “the Claymation Sensation” - was certainly the odds-on favorite. He was a cross between Henry Clay and a California Raisin. He was sharp and he was on target. He wowed the judges with his soulful medley of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” and “My Old Kentucky Home.” Many in the audience thought it would be a slam-dunk for Henry.
Luckily for Pottsie Ottsie,in the early 1970s Pottsville was still a noted ski resort. It was the home of the famed “Pottsville Ski Lodge,” nestled in the majestic Sharp Mountain in the city’s Yorkville section. Winter sports were big back then within the city. Skiing, snowmobiling, and ice fishing were just a few of the many outdoors activities available. The Ski Lodge single-handedly transformed the community into another Innnsbrook. In fact, lederhosen could be spotted in City Hall and the annoying yodeling of “Lonely Goatherd” filled our streets.
Yes, Pottsie Ottsie, the pudgy snowman, won the coveted contract. His talent also helped a great deal. Who would have thought that the eating one pound of Mootz Peanut Rolls washed down with an ice cold Yeungling beer in less than one minute would be so popular? Pottsie did.
While in some respects Mr. Ottsie was a sage, unfortunately he did not foresee the collapse of the ski industry within the city. Some blame its demise on the fact that its ski lift only traveled downhill. Historians, such as Mark Major, argue that there is a link between the death of the ski lodge and the fall of disco music. Others argued that it was due to the obesity epidemic that continued to spiral, encouraged by Ottsie's over-indulgence in peanut rolls. Al Gore blamed it on global warming. This controversy still rages on to this very day.
With the end of the city ski industry, Pottsie Ottsie limited his activities to an occasional appearance at the Winter Carnival Queen Coronation and Cruise Night. That is why many complain that as a city mascot he has grown fat and lazy. He no longer projects the image the city is trying to project. And then there was the scandal in which he was accused of selling his autographs to children in exchange for Mootz’ peanut rolls. Enough already. Isn’t that enough to get him out?
I think its time that the City selected a mascot worthy of leading us towards the tri-centennial which is only 98 years away. If you agree with me, then write to City Hall and demand a new City mascot and offer ideas for a replacement, or you can email the City at contactus@city.pottsville.pa.us