Pottsville and the UFO (part 2)

The recent release of the photograph of the UFO hovering over the county seat has created pandemonium in the anthracite community. Panic like this has not been seen in Pottsville since the closing of the S&H Green Stamp Store in the early 1960s.
An emergency city meeting was recently held at the City’s Planetarium* headed by city officials, the City’s Surgeon General, the leading local astrophysicists and cosmetologists, as well as several other know-it-alls. It is the most serious space crisis since Pluto was ejected from the solar system or, some say, the death of Freddy Mercury.

The county newspaper was still clinging to the theory that the UFO was merely a Chinese lantern released by the Pottsville Drama Club. Yet the results of a recent survey indicate that only 4% of the county residents believe in that explanation, well behind the 78% who believe that the alien spaceship was real.
Attendance at the May Fair was well below normal due to fear the aliens were planning to harvest attendees as a food supply, fattening them on funnel cake. Funnel cake sales were way down at the festival. West end farmers’ wheat crop is now going unpurchased due to the lack of demand for funnel cake. An economic tumble is now occurring. Summer jobs for the county youth in the seasonal funnel cake industry are practically non-existent. Calls for a federal funnel cake bail-out are being heard from the candidates of both major political parties.
Many attending the contentious Planetarium meeting reportedly had seen what appeared to be an alien corpse in the window of Kep’s Corner Store; they demanded answers, not content to believe the newspaper account that it was merely “a pretty window display.” Many were now afraid to play the daily lottery for fear of being abducted and made into some sort of cosmic soufflé.
There were so many questions to be answered. The Surgeon General responded as best he could, since he had just arrived from the Eagle’s Club and wasn’t feeling very well. He assured the crowd that a city ordinance enacted in the late 1950s already prohibits the display of alien corpses in any commercial window.
“I have carefully examined the remains of the androgynous humanoid found in Kep’s window, and folks, it was not an alien but rather a blow-up doll purchased in North Manheim Township. I had plans to perform a full autopsy but I was fearful that the thing would deflate upon only the slightest incision, and I also needed to purchase my Powerball ticket. I performed quick cursory physical examination and it is safe to walk the streets.”

Hands quickly shot up in the audience.

"No one walks anymore!"

“Will an alien invasion cause any school delays?”

“Will the moon walk be permitted at the next American Way Fair?”

“If the aliens settle in Schuylkill County, is it too late to have them included in the census?”

“Is Pottsville now another Roswell?”

While answers were being given, many chanted “Baloney!” At first it was thought they were hecklers, but later it was determined that they were just hungry. The cafeteria staff quickly distributed cold cut sandwiches.
A school district administrator believed the meeting a success, as the fear of alien abduction diverted attention from the pending new school dress code which forbad, for the first time, low cut astronaut suits.

A spokesman for PADCO offered to pay for a proper burial of the humanoid’s remains. This led to a heated discussion and it was decided that the alien in the window would be sent floating down the underground Norwegian Crik by being tossed in the water’s opening near the Ryon Insurance Agency.
At the conclusion of the meeting the moderator announced that anyone wishing to watch “Dancing With the Stars” should leave the Planetarium first to avoid any traffic delays as the show was going to start in approximately fifteen minutes. With that announcement, a stampede began and the Planetarium emptied within two minutes.

A few lingered behind, still despondent over the fact that Buzz Aldrin had been voted off the popular tv show.

*the planetarium has yet to be named after a school board director.

Pottsville Invasion of the Body Snatchers (2008)

It's Halloween. Time for a scary story.... When those canisters started appearing in front of Pottsville's buildings after the massive rainwater collection project was completed in 2006, I had a dream that they were part of an alien invasion. Maybe watching "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" 1,ooo times may have had something to do with it. In my dream I was asked to write a review of a movie. My dream came with one intermission for popcorn at 3 A.M.
On the top is a photo of what I am talking about. You see them along Mahantongo St. and the west side.



Look! You fools! You’re in danger! Can’t you see? They’re after you! They’re after all of us! Our wives…our children…they’re here already! You’re next! — Miles Bennett, downtown Pottsville merchant


POTTSVILLE INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (2008)

On the heels of already three remakes of the original 1956 Invasion of the Body Snatchers, a fourth sequel will be released on January 1st, premiering at the Sovereign Majestic Theatre. I was given a sneak preview and asked to write a review. I promised to release my review a few days prior to the release but little did the producer know that I don’t keep promises. Never have and never will. So here it goes….

I hope you are in the mood for one of the best in science fiction as this is it. The plot follows the original, but with twists. In this version, a local pawn shop owner begins to notice that the local Pottsville citizenry “don’t seem to be themselves lately.” The may look the same, but they are cold and indifferent.

“I'd hate to wake up some morning and find out that you weren't you”

The owner decides to check things out for himself. He walks to the corner of Centre and Mahantongo Streets and patiently waits for the "Walk" signal, while waiting he stares at the fountain next to Dr. Akbar's office wondering if it is really a fountain or just a leaky wall. Five minutes later he runs up Mahantongo Street, discovering that aliens from another world are indeed taking over the city. Emissaries from a distant planet have sent small green and white canisters to be planted in front of buildings and houses. These canisters emit some alien spores that eventually become larger pods that take over the physical likeness of each and every household member. Yes, from these canisters the townspeople are being replaced, one by one - perfect physical duplicates that dispose of their human victims, presumably by placing them out on the sidewalk on the correct garbage pickup day (careful not to violate the five bag limit).

Yes, the space aliens may look just like Pottsvillians but they possess no human emotions. No love, no hate. Why, they are even indifferent to whether or not the Maroons get the 1925 football title back or whether or not the city enforces the building code ordinances They are concerned with only taking over the planet. What better place do it than in Pottsville, the confirmed center of the universe as determined by the curator at the local planetarium.

“At first glance, everything looked the same. It wasn't.... Something evil had taken possession of the town.”

Needless to say, it’s always been hard to tell who is a Pottsvillian and who is a space alien, but in this film the alien population grows so rapidly. Their presence is quite noticeable; the sinister canisters are quite visible to the observant such as me. But most citizens are too busy simultaneously driving and texting sub and pizza orders to Charlie's on their cell phones, unaware of the ever-growing menace. Their craving for fastfood make it so much easier for the aliens.

“ I'm telling you something is going on here.”

The theme of this brilliant, terrifying motion picture is open to various interpretations, including the paranoia surrounding frightening ideologies such as Charlie McCarthyism, or Groucho Marxism. However, someone at the Eagles Bar told me that the canisters have something to do with the massive city sewer project, and that there is absolutely no symbolism in the film. While I say "Hogwash" to any connection with the sewer project I do agree with the barfly that the film is not symbolic. To me the film is a true documentary of the heroic struggle to combat this deadly threat of space invasion, a space invasion that City Hall, the Pottsville High School Planetarium and the Sewer Authority have ignored ever since the Rosewell cover-up.

Finally, I promised the producer not to tell how the movie ends, so here it goes:
The movie ends with climatic shots of the pawn shop owner running down Centre Street futilely trying to warn motorists that “They are here already! Look at the canisters placed in front of the houses and buildings! You’re next!” But the Jeeps and SUVs travel by on their way to Wing Night at the Stadium Bar, with every driver and passenger ignoring him as if he was nothing but another befuddled downtown street person waiting for the Walk sign.

“ Operator, Get me Chief Murton! Sound an all points alarm. Block all highways, stop all traffic, and call every law enforcement agency in the county. Yes, call the bouncers at the Tap! Call the Pinkerton Agents! Call the ruler-toting nuns from atop the Hill! It's an emergency! Those canisters are from outer space! Take a look in front of your own house right now! ...You' re next!!!”

Two thumbs WAY up!