The American Revolution as interpreted by b b trout

            

For over a century, immigrants came to North America from Europe in search of economic opportunities.  For example, once they arrived, “cash only” pizza shops quickly sprouted up and down the Atlantic coast. They also came for religious freedom.  Soon a smart entrepreneur came up with the idea of Kwanzaa to rival Christmas in terms of merchantability. “Only in America.”  However these early settlements were established under the control of the European Monarchs and the settlers were expected to be loyal.

It was not easy for these early immigrants. There were no cities, no paved roads, no shopping malls, no GPS, and no air conditioning.  All they found were trees and rivers.  Everything had to be built by hand. Actually by hands. By using both hands, their work load was dramatically shortened.  Today, most of us living outside of Pottsville are blessed with paved roads.

Religious persecution was prevalent in Europe, and many of the immigrants were thankful that they would soon have shopping malls opened on Easter and Christmas where they could do mindless shopping without fear of beheading. However it would take many years until Benjamin Franklin opened the first shopping mall – the Schuylkill Mall- where he could fly his kite in the immense parking lot.  The Mall has not changed since that time and kite flying is more prevalent than ever there.

As generations came and went, a sense of being an American took hold, replacing the old sense of pride of being just a displaced European - except in certain areas of the country, such as Girardville, where in 2015, everyone in town still wears a button asking to be kissed because they think they are Irish and not American. 

Most Colonists began to tire of hearing about Europe and whether one should be kissed or not because of Gaelic breath. When watching TV these colonists wanted the weather girl to give them local forecasts. They were not concerned about the dew count in London or Holland or France.  They wanted traffic reports about the King's Highway that led to Sunbury, not traffic reports from overseas. They also became displeased with the costs of trade restrictions, making it more difficult to sell “American-made” goods, such as hip hop records, overseas. They were stuck with these hip hop records, and we still suffer the consequences today.

Except for those living in Girardville, the colonists began to view themselves as separate from Europe, and identified with the new colonial states as being independent from the mother country. Also King George III, who was King of England, got his country into an expensive war with France. Although he managed to increase England’s territory in the Americas by taking over former French colonies such as Canada and, closer to home, Tremont - it came at a high price.

To cover the costs of war, King George began to impose lots of taxes on the American colonies.  He even threatened to impose taxes on goods sold over the internet and for that he was called "Mad" King George, as the internet was yet to be discovered. The first tax  he came up with was called the Stamp Tax which required all printed materials to have a stamp placed on them.  

Colonists were were outraged, and responded by boycotting all British goods including English Leather Aftershave, Billy London clothing and Spice Girls albums.  Things got out of hand and the Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips Restaurant in Cressona was ransacked and burned to the ground. These fired up Americans also refused to place the stamp on any of their printed materials.  Magazines were gaining in popularity,  especially those that featured women of professional wrestling.

 

Many of the colonists began crying - "No taxation without representation!"  Those words became an instant sound-bite on the early cable network news stations.  King George soon caved in and magazines and the other reading materials no longer had to have a stamp.  However, new taxes were imposed on iced tea of all things.  This outraged the colonists to no end as they were hooked on Guers iced tea from the age of five, just like me.

Many refused to pay the tax.  In order to enforce these new tax laws, British officials requested military troops to aid them. This led to a bloody confrontation that became known as the New Boston Massacre.

The tax on the iced tea remained and in protest, men dressed up as Indians destroyed a truck load of iced tea that was being delivered to Brok-Sels.  To this day no one knows why the men did not simply drink the tea rather than waste it.

Without their iced tea, colonists began to suffer the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal and became more agitated. I don't know about you but  I need at least four half-pints a day. 

King George then imposed more restrictions upon the colonists, such as requiring helmets to be worn when riding on horseback. Again, more agitation to an already cranky population suffering from caffeine withdrawal.

Colonists in the Americas became increasingly convinced that they needed to take more aggressive steps in order to protect themselves and their liberty. They did not want to wear helmets on top of their pilgrim hats. That was intolerable.  Rumors circulated that smoking would be banned anywhere but the smokehouse.

Soon delegates from all 13 colonies convened in New Philadelphia to work as a group.  Resolutions were soon passed requesting that helmet laws be repealed and that all bakers be required to make cakes for gay weddings whether the cakes were ordered or not, or the cakes paid for in cash or on credit card. 

Tensions increased and soon all hell would break loose.  The men in the colonies prepared to protect their liberty by forming groups known as the Minutemen, a name given to them by their wives for some unknown reason. 

Before you know it Paul Revere and the Raiders began shouting "The Redcoats are coming!" (another sound-bite picked up by cable network news) and then sang their hit song that was sweeping the Colonies, "Cherokee Nation."  The crowds went wild. 
These events inspired Thomas Jefferson to write the Declaration of Independence in 1776. The Revolution in America began in earnest (actually in New Philadelphia, and not in Earnest).

                     The rest is history, or so you think. 

Today we celebrate this joyous occasion of liberty that all men and women are created equal to be free to drink as much iced tea as humanly possible, and that no helmets have to be worn when we ride a horse regardless of head size, that Arthur Treacher's Fish and Chips will never return to Cressona, and finally, that bakers are now forced under penalty of law to immediately bake cakes for any wedding, regardless of the flavor of the cake or the number of tiers requested, or whether their ovens are in working order or not. 
               Isn't that what freedom is all about?

                                                    

                                 God Bless America. 

                 

Je suis Charlie!

 

   "Je suis pizza de Charlie"(photo courtesy of Republican Herald)

After the recent attack in Paris I was told by my friend (I only have one), that I should go into hiding as satirists are under grave danger.  I considered that wise.  I plan to stay at the Schuylkill Mall in Frackville. 

Why should be go into hiding at the Mall? No one will find me there. Its my fortress of solitude when I want to be alone.

 In the past I had spoken to groups at the county’s French communities of Tré Mont, Mont Laffé, de Turks Ville, Grier Cité, Ravine, Marie Dé, and, Lac de Beury. They were not large groups and most of them did not comprehend my french. The largest group I ever appeared before was a group at the fry stand in Renninger’s Market. The fryer broke and I was able to talk for fifteen minutes to the hungry but hostile crowd.Whether they understood my french will never be known. My topic concerned frog legs. An important french topic.
So I have a connection with the French. Sort of. Learned the tongue at Nativity High School's "Language Lab" decades ago. Dois-je en dire plus?

After the Paris attack, I was told that I needed to cool it on the blog -  Especially with my articles on the cartoon characters that used to grace Garfield Square in Pottsville.  I was told that some people are offended by cartoons, to the point that they want to do bodily harm to those who depict certain characters in cartoon form.  

                     I can understand that and I feel their pain.  But with some good mental health therapy it gets better. Believe me.Cartoons, satire and parody never justify violence.

Little Lotta was depicted on Garfield Square at Christmas time about twenty years ago. I helped put her up. Apparently it was put there without being sensitive to the large overweight community of the county.  Despite my apology I was banned from many all-you-can eat church breakfasts for life.  

Broom Hilda was featured another year and it offended our growing Wiccan population.  Again I apologized but I am banned from the St. Clair Halloween Parade for life. Lastly, Mickey Mouse was depicted and it was called into question as being an offense to our state appellate judiciary. I apologized but was sentenced to house arrest for 30 days.  Quelle humiliation!

Do you know what it is like being in the house with Mammy for 30 days?? “Zut alors!”

 However in every instance I took my medicine (valium , if you really want to know) and learned my lesson.  

I vowed that there will never be a cartoon character on Garfield Square ever again.  And there never has been anymore. 

The New York Times and the Washington Post were hailed for releasing information leaked by Daniel Elsburg and Eric Snowden in the past. Supposedly they published top secret information.  Yet those papers and the other major media outlets, including the Republican Herald, now refuse to print or display the French magazine cover that resulted in the massacre of many innocent in Paris.  It is sort of a double standard. However the press and media are scared sh*tless and rightfully so.  Yet they weren’t so scared to display over the years photographs that were offensive to Christians, Jews or Buddhists.   

But everyone knows why they are so scared now. Even Fox TV is running scared.They will adopt self-censorship to appease fundamental islamists. No sense getting butchered by followers of the religion of peace, but until we stand up for our values and stop the fear-driven self-censorship, there will be no end to the butchering.  Every newspaper and media should proudly display a copy of Charlie.

       

   Above is a photo of the offensive magazine cover. Now I must go hide out at the Schuylkill Mall. No one will find me there. I will be all alone.   Take a look at many of the "offensive covers" on the link below:                                                           

                                        

                            

 Charlie Hebdo Magazine Cover Slideshow

Road trip to Tremont

Mardi Gras week and nowhere to go.
With a gallon of gas costing more than a six pack of Yuengling, driving to New Orleans is out of the question. Even if a gallon of gas cost less than a half gallon of Guers iced tea, I wouldn’t go.

I don’t like to leave the county’s borders except for an occasional trip to Luzerne or Lackawanna County to watch the trials of the government officials, some elected, some appointed – judges, count commissioners, row officers, school board members, housing authority board members, meter maids, patrol boys; the whole gammit.

Mammy enjoyed the trials too; sitting in the courtroom with her lady friends who all knitted while the testimony was given. Why knitting? Not because it made her feel like Madame Defarge in Dickens’ “Tale of Two Cities.” No, but because my birthday was coming up and she wanted to make me a sweater. So very thoughtful of her.

I feel secure here. Schuylkill County is my cocoon. It is my fortress, my sanctuary. This is why I stay here. The outside world means nothing to me. My world begins and ends in the four corners of this county.
I told Mammy that we would celebrate Mardi Gras in the french settlements of the county. We could get there and back and still have money left over for some Yuengling and Guers iced tea. I got out my map of Schuylkill County and looked for the French areas. At first we thought we would go to La Velle but we changed our minds. It was too small.
We finally decided we would celebrate Mardi Gras in the French village of Tremont. At first, Mammy questioned if that was truly a french area. I responded that it had to be a French settlement with a name like that. Tres means “three” and mont means “mountain.” I took three years of French so I knew what I am talking about. What else could it be? Comprenez-vous ?


I told her that it was settled by French fur trappers many years ago but with the closing of Pollack’s and the three other Pottsville furrier stores, fur trapping as a livelihood took it on the chin. The French settlers took their pelts and moved away. People around don’t wear fur anymore. People around here wear caps made in China, and tee shirts and sweat pants made in Vietnam.

So off we went in our F-150. We ended up in Tremont on Mardi Gras Day, or Fat Tuesday as some call it. We felt out of place walking around the Main Street in our costumes. With Spa 61 now shut down, Mammy got a good deal on a real cute outfit. She looked adorable. However no one else in town had on a costume, only baseball caps, tee shirts, sweat pants, and an occasional NASCAR jacket. I wore the Border Patrol costume that I purchased from someone north of the mountain who didn't need it anymore.

Tremont was so quiet. There were neither floats nor krews nor women flashing themselves in order to get some cheap plastic beads made in China. I dangled a few beads in front of a few women heading into the bank but I got no takers. I guess they had all the cheap plastic beads they needed. After standing in front of the old Tremont movie theatre (that is a French word for theater) we found a small downtown bistro. We sat down and were content to spend the rest of the day dining on fasnachts. These are delicious doughnuts that are deep-fried in lard that are then sprinkled with confectioners’ sugar. My mouth is now watering just thinking about them. I ate all of those in the photo to your left. Fasnachts became popular after the departure of the french fur trappers, or maybe the trappers all died off after eating too many fasnachts and that resulted in the Pottsville furriers shutting down their stores? Who knows?

In the words of Nancy Reagan, “Just Say Dough –nut; laissez les bon temps roulez."