duckwalking down Market Street

The Schuylkill County Senior Olympics was a great success, or so the pundits say - but not for me. I was eliminated from the fifty meter duck walk.  You know, that is the sport in which all participants do their best Chuck Berry imitation.  It is done in a squatting position moving forward, letting one lower leg swing back and forth in the air while playing the guitar.  Get up and try it right now and you will appreciate its sheer athleticism. The fifty meter duck walk has been a senior Olympic event since 1996 and I was poised for the gold medal.  But it was not to be.

Allegedly I tested positive for Flomax as well as Geritol and Metamucil...and even a trace of Viagra. I thought it would be interesting to mix them together in a glass of Pepper's Ginger Ale while partying at the Olympic Village. Boy was I wrong.  As a result, all of my prior records, medals, awards, laurels, accolades, and mementos were stripped away. I had to turn in my stamp collecting merit badge, my participant award from an old Spelling Bee, my trophy I won at the Cotton Club Karaoke competition, my Hair Club for Men Membership card, three completed crossword puzzles (the only ones I ever completed), as well as the bronze medal I found near the lake the night before.

 If you want to mix Flomax, Geritol, Metamucil (and a trace of Viagra), don't do it while participating in any sporting events. Stick to plain Pepper's Ginger Ale.

 

Mammy was permitted to stay in the games.  She did OK. She participated in the marathon run to Bill’s Produce where every participant has to drive a vehicle over to purchase a fiber-rich produce and then return to Moon Lake. The participants are judged, not only on their speed, but also on the fiber content of the produce brought back. Mammy’s speed was average, but the lima beans she carried back with her was good enough for the bronze medal. Sixteen grams of fiber you know.  If she would have brought back brussel sprouts, she possibly could have tied for silver.

With the games over I headed back to Pottsville. Driving west on Market Street I noticed a group of new residents near Asphalt Field, you know it as that black hole at the corner with Second Street, across from the Famous Restaurant.  I did a double take. Low and behold I saw a strange resemblance between these new residents and the Little Rascals. You know who I mean. Our Gang, for God's sake.  Except that these new residents looked like the Little Rascals wasted on crack. Was I having a flashback from the effects of the Metamucil, Flomax, Geritol (and a trace of Viagra) cocktail? 

 I rubbed my eyes and I swear I saw Chubby, Stymie, Spanky, Alfalfa, Darla, Wheezer, Froggy and all the others; all frazzled and strung out with nowhere to go, wandering aimlessly up and down Market Street going in and out of their various government –subsidized apartments. There was Stymie with his pants down below his thighs and his underwear pulled up high.  There was Alfalfa boasting that he is receiving SSI for his hair cowlick. There was precocious little Darla flirting with Butch and Buckwheat, pushing a baby stroller which was holding a newborn sired during a casual hook-up by perhaps one of the boys.  Maybe Froggy? I thought to myself that Market Street is finally getting a more youthful population. It is about time. Pottsville possibly can still regenerate itself.  I stopped the car and welcomed this new demographic group to the city. I was glad to be home.  I forgot all about the senior Olympics and the medals I might have won and did a duckwalk down Market Street.

Let the games begin!

I have been so busy training for the Summer Schuylkill Senior Olympics I was unable to post anything.  Training consumed all of my attention.  This year the games will being held in Beury’s Grove in Barry Township, just northwest of Minersville. It starts in mid-August. Much of my training occurred in and around Minersville at the various ethnic picnics.  I am participating in the Pysanky egg roll completion for the first time.  This requires me to train for several hours on a stability ball.  Such training works my abdominals, obliques and core, and helps to improve my overall balance and coordination.  I plan to win the gold. I won gold in the Greco-Roman Rumpsch match at the last games held in Diener’s Hill.  It will be Pine Grove’s first gold in Pysanky egg rolling. I will make my people proud. I will not be alone as Mammy Trout will compete for Ravine in the ten yard dash and the Jumping to conclusions competition.   We both intend to come home with the gold. Gold to us is the ultimate aphrodisiac. 

Beury’s Grove is an ideal spot for the Senior Olympics. It has water first of all.  The Buckhorn Creek, named after a bar in St. Clair, is what I am talking about. In the 1920s a twelve acre man-made lake was created, setting off a storm of controversy with local fundamentalists who disapproved of men making lakes. Lake-making should be left to God or at least to men with front-end loaders.  They disapproved even more when women made lakes. In any event the lake was completed and it became a well-known tourist attraction. It is called Moon Lake named after the Who’s late drummer.

Beury’s Grove gaining the right to host the Olympics was not easy. It took a lot of finagling, believe me.  Other contenders included Pottsville, Duncott and McAdoo.  McAdoo was rejected due to the high altitude. Duncott was rejected for obvious reasons.   Pottsville was aggressive in its pursuit of hosting the games. It did offer a beautiful Olympic size pool and other sports facilities.  Barefield Development even promised more housing for the participants and to rebuild the diving tower at the pool which would renamed after any man the Committee selected from the St. Patrick’s Church Directory. In the end Buery’s Grove got the spot basically due to my expertise finagling.

Lake Wynonah also had submitted a bid and it was almost successful. Apparently the controversy over the Indian maiden statue led to its rejection.  That statue has been called by some “a mannequin from the old Pomeroy’s Department Store and not really a statue” and others say she is not Indian at all but “native American.”  Others say she is a poor depiction of a maiden as a true maiden would never spend all of her nights on a highway populated by truckers.  The Schuylkill Senior Olympics Committee (SSOC) decided to stay clear of the controversy and Lake Wynonah ultimately pulled its bid from consideration.  

The opening ceremonies will certainly not be as flashy as the ceremonies at the “other Olympics” in London where the torch was carried into the stadium by the likes of Sir Elton John, Sir Ozzie Ozborne Sir Keith Richards and Sir Johnny Rotten.  The identities of those who are to carry the torch in the make-shift stadium at “the Grove” still remains a mystery.  The money, however, is on Sir Rocking Horse Charlie. 

 In any event, the anticipation is building for this magical event that occurs only once every four years; bringing together the sour cream of the crop of aging county athletes who will represent every single municipality in the county, starting with Altamont and ending with Weishample. Yorkville’s athletes will march under the flag of Pottsville, of course.  This year, Renninger’s Haven has been recognized as a separate entity and its athletes have been recruited from the funnel cake and French frie stands inside the Market to participate.  This has caused North Manheim Township to lodge a protest. 

 Yes, the senior Olympics is not complete without its controversies. To the victor belongs the spoils.