Why the Winter Carnival Queen Should Abdicate

Dear trout:

I am sympathetic to the Occupy Pottsville movement. However what gives with your demand that the Winter Carnival Queen abdicate her throne? I never saw such anger since the Shah of Iran was deposed or when the Maroons football championship title was revoked.

Royal Watcher

Dear Royal Watcher:

Neither the Winter Carnival Queen, nor the snowflake princesses, nor the snowdrop junior princesses represents county womenhood anymore. Sadly, the Queen has lost touch with reality. Why, you ask? First of all, if you follow the contest show me one obese contestant. I knew it. You can’t. Not one. Nada. Zippo.

What kind of message is this sending to the young plump girls who, right now, as you read this, are sitting on sofas, eating family-sized bags of barbecued Marsden potato chips and drinking liter bottles of mountain dew while watching Jersey Shore on TV and simultaneously chatting away on facebook and Myspace…telling the world what they like and dislike about Snookie? Don’t we owe them something for this multi=tasking?

Last summer at a Tuesday evening JFK Pool splash party, I stood up on a picnic table at the concession stand, trying my best to organize some of the heftiest middle-school girls to put down the family-sized bags of barbequed Marsden potato chips for at least an hour. I wanted them to rise up and overthrow the royal court. I gave a rally cry to storm the Winter Palace (which incidentally serves as the Catholic War Veterans Post during the off-winter month) but no one listened to me. In fact they were rather rude and told me to put down the bull horn and get off the table or they would smash the royal jewels and throw me over the fence.

Secondly, no contestant have been permitted to appear in the pageant wearing low-cut tank tops with short torn boxer shorts with the word “juicy” or “lager” on the backside with revealing, brightly colored thongs. Again, the Winter Carnival Committee is living in la-la land. They just don’t seem to get it anymore. They don’t seem to realize that many of our county’s shallow, materialistic young girls spend lots of money on these over-priced small pieces of threads, woven in third world countries which are passed off as “clothing” to the consumers who desire to express themselves.

Don’t we want to encourage self-expression and free them of the stifling dress codes hoisted upon them by the Carnival Committee. Again, what kind of message are the trying to send? I say that these clothes, which were good enough for my daughter to wear to her eighth grade prom, are good enough to be worn in Carnival competition. I recently wrote to Ms. Payne of the Carnival Committee and suggested that she get the DVD box set of Jersey Shore and then reconsider the dress code requirements.

I never got a response!

Thirdly, the talent competition is bor-ring… How many times must we listen to the Oscar Meyer theme song or watch Irish clog dancing? Aren't we all just sick of Irish clog dancing? Wouldn’t a pierogie eating contest be more exhilarating to watch? Wouldn’t it be more nostalgic; bringing back memories of the now defunct Pierogie Bowl held in the past every February? If that is unacceptable, then maybe a wings eating contest.

Fourthly, the question and answer sessions are bor---ring and time consuming. Since it is a Winter Carnival - not a Spring, Summer or Autumn Festival - the only question that should be asked of the young women should be weather-related.

My suggestion is that one short question, such as “How cold is it?” be asked to each and every contestant and the answer must be in one sentence only. For example: “How cold is it?” “It’s so cold that Mitt Romney changed his name to Mitten Romney,” “It’s so cold that I chipped my tooth on a frozen Marsden potato chip,” “It’s so cold that my torn boxer shorts are made out of flannel,” “It’s so cold that Bill Clinton thought that Hillary just walked into the room.” This would move the contest along at a rapid pace and it could finish well before its allotted eight hours. Much more interesting than listening to their aspirations and desires for peace and the elimination of hunger in the world. Speaking of hunger, I could use a Marsden potato chip right now.

None of my suggestions were acceptable to the Carnival Committee and that is why the Queen must abdicate her throne and the Winter Carnival governed by a people’s tribunal.

trout

Where have I been?

Where have I been?
I have been away for some time; unable to maintain the blog.
I apologize.

I was part of the Occupy Pottsville movement. I was camped out in Pocket Park.

The new city park on South Centre Street.

I was there for about two months.

Yes, that was me you probably gave the finger to, driving by on
your way to Maroons.

We would practice our chants until late in the evening.

That annoyed many of you.

Well, excuse me.

We are gone now.

No more chants.
We finally disbanded on Saturday night, the eve of the new year.
I can’t remember what our demands were but the city agreed to postpone
renaming Pocket Park.

That was one of the demands, I think.

We had lower expectations than our Occupy Wall Street compatriots.

We realized that we couldn’t
stop the billions given away to corporations as bail-outs by the government, we couldn’t
stop the tax perks and crony contracts given to multi-national businesses,

we couldn’t stop the military-industrial complex from continuing endless wars, and we couldn’t stop the give-aways to our elected officials, such as the defined benefit pensions with cost of living
increases even when the cost of living doesn’t increase.

No, our sights were lower…much lower.

We wanted subsidies for the local bars to have longer happy
hours.

Yes, that was one demand.

We wanted the Mayor to reinstate the dances that were held on the Norwegian Street
parking lot so that the 99% of us could once again dance freely with our backs to the wind.

That would require dance lessons to be given at various locations throughout the city,

not just at Catholic War Veterans Post.

We wanted skating boarding to be once again legalized in the downtown.

We wanted cartoon characters to once again grace Garfield Square at Christmas time so that our children, our step-children, our significant other's children and her step-children could experience an old fashioned Christmas.

Most of all, we wanted The Winter Carnival Queen to abducate her throne and be sent away to a nunnery.

We wanted her replaced with a newly created People's Winter Carnival Tribunal.

After we disbanded several of the protestors went to Garfield Square.

They would watch the beer bottle ascend.

Others went to the Hospital to await the arrival of the New Year baby.

Not me.

I went home.

I already knew the outcomes.

The bottle would rise and the baby would drop.

The baby would once again be born out of wedlock.

Nothing changes around.

Don't you agree?

It was a long two months and I needed a bath. a powerball ticket and a shot of boilo.

Not necessarily in that order.

Happy New Year.