If large sodas are outlawed, only outlaws will have large sodas

I understand that there is a movement to ban the sale and possession of large containers of sodas and other soft drinks just over the state border in New York.   You say that it should not concern us as New York is so far away.  Well I remember as a child when fireworks were first banned in New York.  It did not take long for that ban to come to us.  So much for the Second Amendment. Now instead of roman candles we must entertain ourselves with sparklers and those snakes that stain your sidewalks.

For some reason or another, these misguided activists are concerned over the increase in obesity.  I oppose such a ban. If ever I am asked my opinion on the so-called obesity epidemic, I say “bring it on.” 

 For years we have seen many of our youngsters graduate and leave Schuylkill County, never to return, except for perhaps an occasional visit to attend the Pigeon Shoot, a grandparent’s funeral, or the American Way Fair (not necessarily in that order).  The effect of this migration has been an obvious dwindling in the population.  Right now there are more Whooping Cranes in Mount Carbon than there are people. Just think about that for a minute or two.  Even with such attempts to increase the population with such gimmicks as the newspaper’s annual New Year Baby Contest or the City’s Midnight Baby Parade, the population keeps decreasing.  

Therefore, if our population cannot increase, we need to enlarge our remaining citizenry to fill up the empty space that surrounds us.  I will give you an example. Growing up I used to ride the East Penn buses and all the seats would be filled. Now, in 2012, with the population decrease, the buses have many empty seats.  If we cannot get extra passengers, then it makes sense to enlarge the behind size of the average rider.  Voila. The buses will be filled again. Problem solved.  The same goes with taking the elevator up to the top of the Thompson Building. At one time ten would cram into the elevator before the elevator operator would take off as ten was the maximum capacity. Now one has to wait for an hour or so before twelve people appear. If we can fatten up the population, then we can get the elevator to be filled to capacity after only two or three people get on board. Again, another problem solved.

Schuylkill County has always had a love affair with overeating.  Maybe it is due to our collective depression and low self-esteem.  Over-eating is the perfect solution to our stress, our depression, our loneliness, our fear, and our anxiety. And I thank God for that. Manna from heaven. 

Remember that over-eating is part of our culture, our history. Isn’t Schuylkill County the birthplace of the “all you can eat Scrapple Breakfast Buffet?”  Didn’t that restaurant near Garfield Square, Phase II, get a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for largest amount of French fries ever served on one plate?  If you say no, then I was lied to all of my life which will only make me more depressed, stressed out, and anxious. 

Folks, we need to fatten the population up at the earliest age possible.  I want our toddlers to resemble hams. All of them. Not just a few. I want baby fat to remain for life. I want Jellyroll.
 If I ever get to be County Commissioner I would have every Thursday be a trick or treat night for starters. I would rename JFK Pool after Ted Kennedy.

Then I would use Amsterdam as a model to transform the County into a tourist magnet.  Just as Amsterdam’s lenient drug laws attract tourists, Schuylkill County could increase the portions of every meal and every beverage. New Yorkers would flock to Schuylkill County seeking out 32 oz birch beer sodas, baconburgers, two footlong hoagies, and unlimited amounts of pure transfat and lard.  Yuengling Dairy could reopen once again and increase its fat content to levels never dreamed of.   Our downtowns would be filled with restaurants.

 Our streets would be filled again, even if only a few people are waddling along.