sad news on the fate of the Mahantongo Street tree

It was most one of the dastardly deeds to befall the city of Pottsville. Some compared it to demolition of the Capitol Theatre, others compared it to the destruction of the old Y Building. However the city’s famed shade tree was cut down in the prime of its life, just as it was beginning to reach the rooftop of 802 Mahantongo Street.
Some may call it wanton vandalism. Others may call it domestic terrorism, I call it a political assassination. Yes, there is a heated tree contest going on in the city of Pottsville right now. With the fall of the axe, the Mahantongo Street tree is out of the competition.
And I was going to be the tree’s campaign manager – the Karl Rove of the tree competition, but now it is all over.

I was going to ask you, the readers who have wasted so much time reading this blog, to support the magnificent deciduous tree in its quest to be recognized as the official city tree.
Why, you ask, should anyone vote for that tree and not some other tree? What made the 802 Mahantongo Street tree so special?

No,it’s not because some believe (such as I) that this tree had mystical powers.

No, it’s not because of the legend that city founder John Pott sat under its branches for 49 days attempting to achieve enlightenment.

No, it is not because the tree has often been mistaken for the Cedars of Lebanon, Pennsylvania.

No, it is not because this tree inspired John O’Hara to move off of the street, relocate to Princeton and start drinking heavily.

It is simply because the tree represented our future.

Some have compared the Mahantongo and Norwegian street areas of Pottsville to Georgetown or Rittenhouse Square. I hope they are wrong. A tree such as the one at 802 Mahantongo Street would never have survived in those types of neighborhoods.

If people want to see a neighborhood full of prestige, charm and cleanliness, then I say let them go down to the Intermodal Transportation Center and get the hell out of town on some excursion trip to what they consider some yuppie wonderland.
What our city lacks in charm is made up tenfold in grittiness.
The tree was just one glorious living and breathing example of the mindset that sets us apart from say, Jim Thorpe or Lititz. It was our symbol of regret and missed opportunity. When visitors tour Mahantongo Street after visiting the brewery, this tree captured their imagination. It was the second most popular tourist attraction in the city according to the Visitors’ Bureau statistics. This is why our campaign slogan was going to be “Gritty, Grimy, Gloomy and Great!”* Now the visitors will have to be content to visit the large three story ladder on six hundred block which has been permanently affixed there as some sort of pop artwork until our tree rises once again from the earth.

There is a tendency in many societies throughout history to worship or mythologize trees; trees have played an important role in giving deep and sacred meaning throughout the ages. Driving on Mahantongo Street over the years I have carefully observed the growth of this tree from a baby sapling. I marveled at the elasticity of its branches, its shyness as it hugged the building wall, its annual decay and revival, and the way it arched its way through the porch up to the heavens. It’s rustling of its innumerable leaves was a spell of music, a funeral durge to be exact, to passerbys.

I will miss that tree and the skank culture it brought to the once high falutin street. And now the tree is gone, just a memory. Just as Nancy Kerrigan was knocked out of the ice skating competition by Tanya Harding, our beloved tree was most likely done in by a worried competitor. Maybe the tree could still win the contest posthumously if you really care enough.

*slogan is now available for other candidates to use.

Courthouse Cookbook

Mammy Trout is so excited about the Schuylkill County Cookbook being prepared which will feature some of the best of Schuylkill County cuisine, the foods that have made us what we are today as - you are what you eat. I always think of that line when I am at JFK Pool, looking around at the crowd. If we are what we eat, then many of us swimmers must be hams or butterball turkeys.
Yes, the cookbook will contain more than just recipes for halushki, beer nuts, birch beer and scrapple; no, many interesting quotes and words of wisdom are also included. Here is a sampling:
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.”
“If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.”

Riddles are also included:
“Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
“What can you make from baked beans and onions?” Tear gas.

Yes, the cookbook will present exemplary instruction of preparation of the savory mainstream dishes from all corners of the county, offering 1,000s of recipes without being burdened down with any dull, dumb nutritional information…borrr-ing… Instead the book has many baloney recipes submitted by local politicians, who are full of them. You will also find the sought after courthouse recipes for Prothonocherry ice cream, D.A. Split Plea Soup and Coroner's triple bacon burger.

The book will be great for cooks of all levels. It has a lot of great introductory information - how do you boil water? Can you stick your head in the microwave while it is on? Can you use bacon fat as a cake frosting substitute? Should you plug in your defibrillator before or after your super-sized bacon burger? What do you do if you run out of booze? Is it socially acceptable to practice the Heimlich maneuver during a County Commissioner meeting?

In addition, the book will ease you into many advanced recipes.

Looking to cook pig’s stomach for the annual Pine Grove Sadie Hawkins Day race?

This book will have all of the answers that you have been looking for over the years, from start to finish - from wrestling the pig to the ground, to breaking its neck, to gutting and removing the organs properly.

Trying to make a special dinner celebrating your babe’s new tramp stamp tattoo?

This cookbook has the right onion ring recipes for that happy occasion, all easy to understand and with gorgeous photos of local natives sipping on ice tea while they eat a handful of the tasty treats.

Having trouble rolling your own cigarettes to save on the high taxes?

I will leave you with a free sneak peak at this courthouse recipe:

1. Spread the tobacco out evenly on the rolling surface, preferably your desk at work.
2. Take your rolling paper and rest it with the crease between your thumb and middle finger, then rest your index finger in the crease to hold the paper down on whichever hand is not holding your cell phone or working a crossword puzzle.
3. Then using your free hand, begin at one end of the tobacco and delicately place the paper starting with the end you are holding it with.
4. Take a hold of the paper with the other hand (placing your cell phone between your jaw and your shoulder) again resting it between your middle finger and thumb.
5. Position the middle fingers so they roughly form a straight line from one end to the other.
6. Now using the thumbs, beginning rolling the cigarette between your thumb and middle fingers, doing this slow and evenly.

7. After the tobacco food product has been molded into the proper shape, pull your thumbs downward to have the edge of the paper align with the top of the tobacco.

8. Increase the pressure applied by the thumbs while moving the middle fingers upward, completing the rotation without creasing the bottom of the paper.
9. Complete the roll until the edge with the glue remains. Apply with a small streak of saliva (preferably your own rather than a co-worker who has been coughing up phlegm for days unexplainably).
10. Pinch off any loose tobacco at the ends and put back in your pouch for later use.
11. Get up from your desk and head outside. Place the unlit end in your mouth and enjoy! Smoke that cigarette for approximately 10-12 minutes before returning to work.
12. Repeat every hour.