This is an outrage

It certainly is.  I remember fighting in the trenches to support the county code’s commissioner-style form of government against the rebels who proposed a change to home rule.  I remember defending the jury commissioners against the onslaught of criticism that they did nothing but cost the county tens of thousands of dollars per year. 

 It was guarding them during those turbulent years that I learned how to meditate and understand what the sound of one hand clapping. ( I will let you in on a secret, it sounds like the Mr. Softee truck coming down East Arch Street really fast).   It was then that I realized the importance of doing nothing. Watching those two sages accomplish nothing brought me enlightenment tenfold for which I am eternally grateful.

Now my rotary phone is ringing off the hook with the bad news.  On May 2^nd, a day that will live in infamy, our county commissioners abolished the elected positions of jury commissioners, with a stroke of a pen. Not a whimper from the old guard. It reminded me of the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact of 1939, Yes, it is a bad day in our county’s history.

                                               

I realized that something was wrong when the jury commissioners were beckoned to the Courthouse with the ploy to participate in the Day of Prayer festivities. Such participation would be awkward as it would break their vows of doing nothing. Fearing that they were in danger and could be seized, I contacted them at their headquarters, a mysterious underground office that has always remained hidden from the view of the public.  I told them they were in danger and had to get up off their bean bag chairs and leave at once.

Quickly the two  disguised themselves, donning soiled baseball caps, frayed tee shirts and sweatpants, holding  ice tea cartons, voided powerball tickets and a slices of Roma Pizza, so as to blend in with the ordinary Schuylkill Countians. With an unexpected thunderstorm storm providing cover, the beleaguered twosome walked out to the streets totally unrecognized. The Jury Commissioners and their staff quickly shuffled towards Sharp Mountain, with the only delay being for the Walk sign to appear at the corner of Centre and Mahantongo Streets.  They began had begun their long trek to anticipated freedom in Northumberland County. 
This occurred just in the nick of time as the deputy sheriffs, county detectives, Pottsville Police and School Crossing Guards had just surrounded the hidden office complex where the jury commissioners peacefully did nothing for decades. 

 It was two days before the County Commissioners were advised that the jury commissioners had eluded capture after a thorough search of the headquarters.  Even with the prayer to St. Anthony, during the National Prayer Day festivities, the jury commissioners still could not be found. However the deputies managed to wrestle and confiscate the jury commissioners’ Wheel as well as apprehend six slices of cold Roma Pizza which they dutifully consumed.

For the unenlightened, the Jury Commissioner Wheel can be compared to the Ark of the Covenant and is revered by the stalwarts who believe that the County Code is sacred and should never be tampered with.  Now this hallowed Wheel is in the possession of the County Commissioners and its fate is unknown. Some say that it will be given to the Area Agency of Aging to be used for bingo at the Downtown Senior Citizens Center or at a stand at the American Way Fair. Others say that it must be destroyed so as to erase any reason for the Jury Commissioners supporters to rise up and restore the Jury Commissioners to their rightful seats of power. Only time will tell.

 After trekking nearly forty-eight hours, the Jury Commissioners and their party reached the Northumberland County border and stopped at the Dharamshala Trailer Park on Main Street in Herdon, where humanitarian sanctuary was offered.  This granting of asylum has touched off a major diplomatic firestorm between the two counties, with ambassadors being recalled.  

 For now, the Schuylkill County jury commissioners are remaining faithful to the oath they took after being duly elected to do absolutely nothing.  The mobile home (whose specific lot number will remain anonymous so not as to alert the police) is now the Jury Commissioners' Office-In-Exile-On-Main Street, where the two remain faithful to the oath they took after being elected by we, the people.  At this moment they are in their trailer doing nothing as they had done for decades.  In support of the Jury Commissioners, during the week of May 11^th people are asked to please wear the color purple.

                                             

Breaking News! Trout enters rehab

Unheralded and superficial dilettante, bb trout, is asking for a temporary leave of absence from his blog while he seeks professional treatment in the wake of his Twitter scandal.

His so-called common law wife, Mammie Trout, said that he would leave for professional treatment after he picks up a dozen sticky buns at Renninger’s Market, and will focus on "becoming a better common law husband and healthier person, probably in that order, but it is too early to say for sure."

The statement doesn't say what Trout would be treated for. There are conflicting stories circulating about his on-going sticky bun addiction as well as his inappropriate tweets and pokes. Schuylkill County's Warne Clinic, by the way, is noted for the treatment of food addictions and trout had been treated there in the past for bleenia (obsessive consumption of potato pancakes, preferably with onions). It is rumored that trout may be admitted there under an alias.

Just before the release of the statement, the leading Schuylkill County officials demanded that Trout step down as publisher of his blog and give up plans to run for Jury Commissioner in 2013.

"This sordid affair has become an unacceptable distraction for Mr. Trout, his so-called common law wife, and the children he sired through multiple relationships, including one with his cleaning lady. It is time for him to quit and get out of here. The office of county jury commissioner demands more of a candidate.”
Before Saturday afternoon's developments, trout told reporters in Pine Grove that "I have to redeem myself and I am going to try to get back to work. I let people down by failing to attend the Kiebossi Festival the other week. Sorry, folks! I will make it up to you. I also apologize to the five or six people who follow the blog religiously and were expecting a new article in early June."
Mr Trout’s handling of the scandal has been a public relations disaster. On Tuesday, he argued with a WPAM correspondent outside the Eagle’s Club on South Second Street in Pottsville, at one point calling the producer a “stick in the mud” and an “upstart” By Wednesday, he changed tactics, apologizing. He did interviews with WPPA, WMBT, and Sam Lasante. His attempts to inject humor into the controversy fell flat. “When your name is Trout, you get a lot of people who think everything you say sounds fishy. I made a total bass out of myself,” he told Sam.

Most puzzling to the media was Mr trout’s claim that he “could not say with certitude” whether the underwear in the photograph were his. “Don’t be koi, trout! You would know if this was your underpants, Didn't you notice the JP Morgan label? Isn't it true that you only wear underpants made in Tamaqua? It's time to come clean, Mr. Trout,” Lasante said incredulously as he waived the incriminating photograph in front of him.

Trout insisted that his Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace accounts had all been hacked and that he had been a victim of prank, joke or hoax by his opponents who were trying to sabotage his expected run for the office of jury commissioner in 2013 by sending tweets out to the entire membership of the Frackville D.A.R., the Sisters of Christian Charity and the Pine Grove Eastern Star. "I've been punked!"

It was Saturday that he fessed up to all of the photographs, prompting the release of the statement from Mammie Trout, his so-called common-law wife (who is finally getting some sympathy from the public). Apparently his problem began many years ago, before their on-again, off-again relationship had even started. It was at that time (long before Al Gore invented the internet) that trout drew an explicit self-portrait of himself on his Etch-A-Sketch and passed it around the Eagle's Club for all to see.
Apparently he spiralled downwards ever since.

The breaking point was his tweeting of an interesting close-up photo (taken in his house) of his junk.

Have you hugged your jury commissioner lately?

I scoured the paper from the front page to the classified section and found nothing besides finding out that it is easy to get a pet cat for free around here. However I was really talking about the recent jury commissioner election race.

Nothing. Nyet. Nada. Nix.

No wonder voter turnout dropped off this year. Not one mention of the candidates in the voter guide. But I cannot put all the blame on the newspapers. The official Schuylkill County Government Website lists all of the elected officials but not one mention of our elected Jury Commissioners. Yet the website still gives the long departed Judge Wilber Rubright a top billing.
Some complain that the jury commissioners are irrelevant in this day and age as they only stuff an envelope once or twice a year and get paid handsomely. Bucks County jury commissioners were pulling in about twenty grand a year for an hour or two of work. Not bad. Montgomery County pays their jury commissioners over thirty one grand a year plus over twenty grand in fringe benefits. I don’t know what they get paid in Schuylkill County since they have no real office and have no presence on the website. They retain a phantom-like existence around here.

I, for one, have always admired a jury commissioner and consider any attempt to abolish the office as an assault on our way of life. Yep, when I was in grade school, when others wanted to be a fireman, truck driver, or professional wrestler, I used to say that I wanted to be a jury commissioner. I wanted to wake up every morning and go out and do nothing.
Thankfully, jury commissioners still get a lot of respect in the coal region. Gerry Bonner, the Luzerne County Jury Commissioner, is under indictment by a federal grand jury for passing bribes; but that did not prevent him from getting re-elected with over 18,300 votes with the help of his party that campaigned for him despite the indictment. In Luzerne they get paid a paltry $10,000 per year plus benefits. Congratulations Gerry! You certainly can now use the salary to help pay for your defense costs.
It would be disgraceful for the position to be abolished and tossed aside like a like a no-longer-needed training bra or an eight-track player. What needs to be done is to get our jury commissioners some good public relations and get them out in the public doing something that at least has the illusion of productivity. Don’t hide them away any longer as if they were some of your embarrassing crazy relatives.
Yes, we all concede that they serve no real function. That is a given. However they are harmless, so why not let them free the county commissioners from pointless ceremonial affairs such as throwing out the first snowball at the Winter Carnival, kissing a burro at the Haven Burro Day, or marching in the annual Orthodox St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Let the jury commissioners act as a source of county and coal region pride.
I want you to write to the county webmaster and demand that these forgotten souls be listed as reigning county officials - and certainly ahead of any deceased public servants. If the webmaster refuses then demand that the Jury Commissioners get their own MySpace page – its free you know. Suggest a theme song so that the public can connect to them. Ask that they get special hats and uniforms with plenty of buttons and ribbons (that always makes the wearer look important). For crying out loud, give them an office somewhere. I think the courthouse clock tower would be perfect. If these suggestions were heeded, any costs would be repaid ten-fold by the tourists coming to the county to get a glimpse of the elusive jury commissioners, now treated as royalty as they wave out of the tower window to the crowds below.