Rename Pottsville? part II

There had some some discussion over changing the name of Pottsville to something more vibrant and I was a leading proponent. That is why the name still remains Pottsville.

My prior suggestion of renaming Pottsville has attracted some fanfare. Our county seat could adopt a new hip image as Mauch Chunk did years ago. when it became Jim Thorpe. It is now universally accepted that the name Pottsville is often confused with either Pottstown or Pottsylvania (a la Rocky & Bullwinkle). It appears that there is no longer any objection to renaming the city in honor of a celebrity who had no contact with the city. Mauch Chunk got away with it, and Volgograd became Stalingrad without much dissent. We can do likewise and get away with it. Already our city honors Henry Clay who never set foot here. John Kennedy who stopped briefly at the Garfield Diner for a bowl of chicken noodle soup never did one lap in the pool that bears his name. Even Stooge Moe Howard has an Avenue named in his honor despite never playing the Hippodrome. Many influencial people now agree with me that Jerry Garcia would be a great choice for a new name. However PADCO has been informed that his remains are not for sale. No if, and or buts. So we may have to lower our expectations. All is not lost; the Grateful drummer's old drummer had also died. His name was Pigpen. That was not his baptismal name. I think it was Ron McNernan and I am sure his remains could be negotiated at a much lower cost to the taxpayers than Garcia although the name Pigpen, PA would take time getting used to.

So we need alternatives. Many want to go with the name of a deceased Native American or sports figure. Charismatic and heroic figures such as Crazy Horse, Squanto, and Geronimo are beyond our budget. Pocahantas would tie up the city in litigation for years with the Disney Corporation. Other names that come to mind are Jay Silverheels or the crying Indian from the "Keep America Beautiful" Ads or the Indian from the Village People. I am not sure if they are alive or dead.

Sports figures are too expensive. Darryl Stawberry maybe needs the money but he is still alive. We cannot wait. We need a new name now. I think our city coffer can only afford the likes of Gorgeous George, or Derby winner Secretariat. If we want to a local sports figure, Pottsville has produced Charles Guetling, who loaded up his wheelbarrow with a keg of beer from the Yuengling brewery. He pushed the wheelbarrow 880 miles to the Chicago's World's Fair. Maybe we can strick a deal with the Guetling estate?

Norwegian township vs. hiking trails

Several years ago there was a plan to build hiking trails in Schuylkill County. Apparently this met with the ire of several norwegian township residents who protested loudly thereby proving that empty barrels do make the most noise. I did some anthrapological research in the township and came up with ten reasons why the uproar over hiking trails:

• Wherever hiking trails were built, family life as we know it has been destroyed



• Children who take up hiking forget about the more important things in life, such as internet chat rooms and video games



• Once a hiking trail is opened, the township would become overrun with girl scouts hawking their cookies



• The area proposed for hiking trails could be put to better use, such as sites for illegal tire dumping



• If God had meant man to walk in the woods then he would not have created the television remote control



• Anyone who has read the "Pied Piper" or "Little Red Riding Hood" realizes the hazards of hiking trails



• If hiking became popular it create a shortage of lederhosen and knee socks that the local factories could not fill



• The noise from hiking boots treading on dirt and gravel is deafening



• MarLin does not need anymore gnomes, leprechauns, and hobbits wandering in and getting friendly with the Marlin womenfolk.

San Francisco and Pottsville: Connected at birth?

This is another that appeared in the Pottsville Republican years ago. It actually is part one of the movement to change the name of Pottsville to something else.

To increase local tourism, our experts have been wasting their time comparing Pottsville with Jim Thorpe. A better comparison would be to compare Pottsville with San Francisco because of the striking similarities.

• San Francisco's rise to prominance was attributed to "gold" while Pottsville's rise was attributed to "black gold" or anthracite;



• Both cities have beautiful quaint homes built upon steep hills;



• San Francisco has its cable car, Pottsville has cable television;



• San Francisco has the Pacific Ocean, Pottsville has the Crimson tide and the Green wave;



• San Francisco's downtown was leveled by an earthquake, Pottsville's downtown was partially leveled to make room for parking lots;



• San Francisco has the "Cow Palace," Pottsville has "Bull's Head."



• San Francisco is located near Palo Alto, so is Pottsville;



• San Francisco has eccentrics filling its streets, Pottsville has ten times as many;



• San Francisco is noted for "acid rock" and Chinatown, Pottsville has "acid rain" and two Chinese restaurants;



• San Francisco is proud of the "Giants," Pottsville is proud of its "Giant" Supermarket.

The Carbon County seat however did have the courage years ago to acquire the remains of a deceased public figure and rename itself in his honor. Mauch Chunk became Jim Thorpe once the corpse arrived; the rest is history. Perhaps with the close connection between San Francisco and Pottsville the remains of a deceased San Franciscan musician could be purchased with the use of PADCO funds. Maybe if we are lucky Pottsville could become a more hip, "Jerry Garcia, Pennsylvania."

Revised Top ten tourist sites in Pottsville

This was the first trout article ever printed, I have slightly revised it. It appeared in the Pottsville Republican. I wrote it under the influence of Yuengling beer after listening to some b.s. about how Pottsville can become a tourist attraction. If the city was serious about tourism in Pottsville it would clean up the area around the brewery which attracts the most people rather than encourage the seediness that already exists there.

With an emphasis on increasing local tourism, the City of Pottsville should target the following market groups:

• Spelunkers. Who can forget the underground restooms that were located at the corner of Centre and Mahantongo Streets? The restrooms were buried under an avalanche of federal funny money in the 1970s, but with an aggressive ad campaign, subterranean adventurers could be lured to explore the lost toilet facilities of Pottsville;



• Archeaologists. The city's numerous parking lots once contained beautiful buildings left to rot, archeaologists could be lured back to guess what type of civilization once inhabited the area;



• World War II historians. The rubble and decaying buildings in lower Mahantongo Street remind me of Dresden after the fire bombing and it could entice those WW II buffs interested in seeing such a replication;



• Roller Coaster enthusiasts. One car ride down East Market Street is more thrilling than a ride on the Super Dooper Looper, we just have to get the word out;



• "Star Trekkies." With the Hysterical District loaded with an assortment of strange people wandering about, the City could give them space costumes to wear, luring the Trekkies with a genuine out-of-earth experience;



• Court Groupies. The Molly Trial reinactment is always a big hit (I swear that she did not do what she was charged with). Perhaps a reinactment of the Nutkin the Squirrel death penalty proceeding could be done, or a grand jury investigation of the torching of the old Pottsville Club;



• Mineral bathers. Forget Saratoga Springs! Pottsville's Norwegian Creek is now visible and with PADCO's help this unused pool of water could be transformed into a therapeutic natural bath guaranteed to cure male pattern baldness;



• Parade Enthusiasts. With the large number of unwed young mothers walking around with their children at night, a push to create "The Great Pottsville Nocturnal Baby Parade" could replace Cruise Night as the number one draw (it is quieter and uses less gas also);



• Paranormal study groups. Whenever a taco shell, wall, or underground pass has an image that resembles a spiritual figure on it, thousands come to look. The damp wall that is passed off as a City Fountain near the Quality Hotel could be hyped in such a fashion. To avoid any separation of church and state controversy, perhaps an image of a taco shell can be promoted just as effectively;



• Naturalists. Pottsville has a long tradition dating back two hundred years that can be marketed. Whenever the temperature goes above seventy degrees, all the men of the city take off their tops and walk about. This local phenomena, if properly promoted, could attract numerous naturalists, Chippendale talent scouts, whalers and dermatologists.