the history of the Cressona Tunnel

The history of the Cressona Tunnel

West Haven, or as it is now known as the borough of Cressona*, is divided into two parts. East Cressona is the industrious section and home of the Aluminum plant, Schuylkill Products and Trail Gardens Center. West Cressona has the Dodge City Café. Both sides however need the other. To get from one side to the other was never easy. To correct this, the borough’s founding fathers had a tunnel constructed along Route 183. The tunnel now hosts approximately 120,000 vehicles every day. Mostly these vehicles consist of Walmart trucks as well as passenger cars filled with elderly people travelling to Bill’s Produce to purchase fresh fruit for their daily fiber intake as well as those of us who headed to the Dodge City Café for happy hour.

The tunnel became world famous when the producers of the video game Grand Theft Auto III used the entrance of the tunnel in the video game. Later the tunnel had a cameo appearance in the video game Donkey Kong. The tunnel also gained notoriety for being reversible on all major British holidays. On those days, such as Boxing Day, drivers will drive through the tunnel on the left side rather than the right. It is a spectacle to watch.

The tunnel was financed through a combination of revenue bonds, S& H Green stamps and soda bottle deposits. Ideas for the tunnel appeared as early as 1840, but soda bottles with a deposit hadn’t been invented yet, nor was glue and the S & H Green stamps would fall out of the books and onto the floor.

Since its construction in the early part of the 20^th century, the tunnel has faced several problems. First it was the management and control of the toll booths. The toll booths were necessary to recoup the construction and maintenance costs, retire the revenue bonds issued, and return the staggering amount of soda bottles that were left along the roadside waiting to be redeemed. However the toll booths caused serious traffic back-ups. Eventually both of the booths were pillaged and burned by irate travelers, especially by those irritable elderly travelers in search of reasonably fresh fruit to maintain regularity. Today, the toll booths are a part of history and anyone using the tunnel is now required to have an E-Z Pass device.

The most serious problem with the tunnel is that it was not built high enough and the enormous size of todays trucks transporting stuff for consumers to buy resulted in hundreds of trucks stuck within the tunnel. Three years ago one truck loaded with whoopee cushions remained lodged within the tunnel for seventy-two hours, creating a massive traffic jam as well as a whoopee cushion shortage within the county.

It was decided that warning signals needed to be erected. Proposal after proposal was given a try. The first proposal was to construct a large piñata in front of both sides of the tunnel. This was a failure as truckers deliberately hit the piñata and then stopped to pick up the candy that spilled out before getting the truck stuck in the tunnel. The second proposal was to hang a trucker in front of the tunnel. This lasted only one week due to the protests from various human rights organizations and other do-gooders. Finally the Cressona Borough officials, after listening to the scientists who espoused the theory that watching Sponge Bob slows a person down, decided to utilize the system that is in place now, despite the substantial copyright fees that must be paid with cash, S & H Green Stamps or unreturned soda bottles. No further disruption of the tunnel traffic has occurred since.

* from the word "cresson" meaning a moderately yellow-green color.

Bieber Day, September 18th

I was looking at the list of upcoming events occurring in Schuylkill County in September and I was intrigued by the Bieber Day Celebration in Pottsville. This year it will be on September 18^th as the event changes every year. The change is caused by a combination of the phase of the moon, the alignment of Jupiter and Uranus as well as the midget football schedule. This is according to the Pottsville Planetarium and the midget athletic department.

Why Bieber Day? Why Pottsville? What is the connection? No one is quite sure as there has never been a celebration of one particular individual in the county’s history. Not for John O’Hara, not for Tommy Dorsey, and not for Conrad Richter. A celebration to honor WPPA's radio legend, Wee Willie Whistle, although planned for October 1962 had been cancelled due to the Cuban Missile crisis as well as conflict with the midget football schedule.

This young Canadian pop star has never performed in the county seat. Not at the Sovereign Majestic Theatre, not at the Hippodrome, not at Goodfellas (which technically is not in the county seat but in an appendix to the county seat). Pottsvillians immediately took a shine to the young mop top singing sensation and they agreed to set aside one day in the month of September to honor him. On Bieber Day people from all walks of life will put aside their daily activities. Men will get up from their lazy boys, put out their cigarettes, and turn off their televisions sets. Women also get up from their lazy boys, put out their cigarettes, and turn of their television sets in the other rooms. They will gather together within the garden park that bears the youngster’s name, swaying back and forth to the strains of the Third Brigade Band’s melodic interpretations of his greatest hits. Hits that we all have come to know by heart and now part of the soundtrack of our lives.

Remember the feelings that you had when you first saw the scene in the film Casablanca when Victor Laslo began to sing “La Marseillaise” in defiance of the Germans? Remember how you felt when you watched that for the first time? Do you also remember the feelings that you had when you had your first hole in one at Heisler’s Miniature Golf Course? Now throw in the feelings that you had when your cell phone was in your pocket and it rang and it was set on vibrate? Well multiply all of those feelings by nine and one-half and then divide that by seven and then take the square root of that. This is the level of excitement you will have when you enter the park and participate in your first Bieber Day celebration. You will get a hint of the exhilaration awaiting you as you travel up Market Street after spending the earlier part of the day at Renninger’s Market with the rest of us. You will spot the mini-jams, guerilla dances, and Bieber hair pieces all over the place. This is nothing compared to the goings on within the park where each and every one of us is a player.

This year, Bieber Day is on September 18^th, - coincidentally the 41^st anniversary of the death of a great American guitarist, singer and songwriter- so a special bagpipe salute will occur at 6:50 which will feature lively but respectful renditions of Jimi Hendrix classics such as “Purple Haze” and “Are You Experienced.” This poignant performance should attract those of you old enough to remember Jimi Hendrix, John O’Hara, Tommy Dorsey, Conrad Richter as well as radio personality Wee Willie Whistle. It should also attract those of you who couldn’t care less about Justin Bieber.

At the time this blog is posted it was unclear whether the fire marshal would issue a waiver to allow the musician to spontaneously pour lighter fluid on his bagpipes, burn and smash them on the stage, and then throw the remnants into the audience as his grand finale. Those of us who deny that the bagpipes are really a musical instrument hope the waiver is granted. Pronto. That alone would be worth the price of admission.

earthquake

EARTHQUAKE IN POTTSVILLE AND SCHUYLKILL COUNTY

Yes, I am one of the survivors of the earthquake that pulverized Schuylkill County on Tuesday August 23^rd. I felt the earth move under my feet. But I am still alive to tell my story. I had the same sensation about ten years ago when Mount Laffee erupted. Ialso had a similar sensation the other day when my cell phone rang and I had it set on "vibrate."

I felt the sky tumbling down so I knew inside of me that something terribly was wrong.

When I began to sway after I left the Eagle’s Club on South Second Street in Pottsville in mid-afternoon I had a feeling of remorse. I kept saying to myself, “Why did I pay my school taxes already?” “Is it too late to stop payment on my check?”

As I made my way up Mahantongo Street I sat down and cried as I looked upon the devastation. Once a beautiful townhouse, the structure began to tumble down before me. There was nothing I could do. I felt sorrow for the absentee landowner, knowing that his beloved building can never be salvaged.

I made my way down to West Market Street and found that a beautiful brick residence was also in ruins. If you on Market Street it is across from Yanick’s garage. You can't miss it. Apparently the roof collapsed onto the porch. Luckily, anyone inside got out alive. It is quite a setback for the city as it is now an eyesore on what once was an attractive street. “What has Pottsville done to deserve such a wrath of God?” “Can Congressman Holden help these poor absentee property owners get federal aid?” “Can Barefield Development come to the rescue?” I hoped that the Code Enforcement Office would give the owner some slack in making repairs. Could this be our Katrina? We need federal assistance right away.

It wasn’t just Pottsville. Someone told me that there are areas around Shenandoah, particularly the Lost Creek and William Penn area that were hard hit. Others said it wasn’t true, as that area prefers to look that way.

In any event I pushed my way through the ruble and worked my way up to the courthouse. The place was hard hit by the tremors. It was reported that about half of the employees were awakened from sound sleep. It may take months for normal sleeping patterns to resume. The only good news at the courthouse was one employee who was adament that the earthquake cured her hiccups.

When I arrived, Grief Counselors were already on site. I told the grief counselor that I felt guilty paying my school taxes before the taxes were due in light of the impending Rapture or Apocalypse. I told the counselor that I had so much to live for. There was a splash party for dogs at JFK Pool on Saturday and I wanted to attend with my pit bull. “Would it be cancelled?” “What about the brick that I purchased for the Courthouse in honor of the bicentennial?” “Would I ever get to gather my family around for the formal dedication?” I was paranoid that the brick mason would misspell my name on the brick and I wanted to see it and touch it before it was placed into the courtyard. The counselor told me to take six deep breathes and get the hell out of his office as no one on the courthouse payroll is buying a brick.

I was afraid to sleep in my own house that night, not because of a fear of an aftershock, but because Mammy Trout was upset that I spent so much time at the Eagle's Bar. I made my way to Pocket Park and fell into a deep sleep.

Pocket Park

It will be several more weeks until the city of Pottsville unveils the name of its newest park located on North Centre Street across from the YMCA. Anticipation is building and already the city bookies are giving odds on some of the names in contention. I am not sure what all the criteria consists of for naming the park - now informally called Pocket Park. I sort of like the name Pocket Park and I would appreciate it if they just left the name alone. I have written a letter to the city requesting that it be officially be dedicated Pocket Park. However I was told that odds are one in three in favor of it being called El Parque de McGeever and two in six that it will be Barfield Park. Odds for it to remain Pocket Park are one in ten thousand. Not too good.

Parks don’t have to be named after people. Think about Central Park, Jellstone Park, the Boston Commons, Jurassic Park, Washington’s National Mall, Itchycoo Park or San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park. Pottsville can have its Pocket Park. I think there was a clown from the area called Pockets, so maybe he can honored if a person has to be honored. This way the name can remain the same but I don't think it is necessary.

Someone told me that what the city officials are generally looking for is a person. Not just any old person; preferably a living person, a friend, who is in need of an ego boost; if not, one that was recently living and who would still appreciate an ego boost posthumously. Personally I am against naming any public property after a living person or a recently departed person but I am in the minority.

The person to be honored must definitely be a man of course. Preferably a good old boy. Nothing in the city has ever been named after a woman and rightfully so. This policy stems, not from Sharia Law or Eve tempting Adam, but from the incident in 1807 when Maria Pott, the wife of city founder, John Pott, refused to attend the first American Way Fair with her husband. She said she hated the rides and she hated funnel cake even more. The chief burgess was so incensed that he introduced an ordinance banning the naming of any public property after any female from that day forward. The ordinance remains on the books today. Just like the ordinance that bans electronic billboards within the city. Look around and try to find anything named after a woman or try to find an electric billboard. You won’t find any and you never will. In a local hospital you will find a room named after Judge McCloskey and all our elementary school is named after John S. Clarke, who ran a garage I believe, but nothing after any women, even though most of hospitals and schools were staffed by women over the years. It’s forbidden to name anything after a woman other than a hurricane and the city is very strict on enforcing its ordinances. If the ordinance was repealed, Amanda Silliman would be a great example of a woman to be honored. She heroically assisted in giving aid to wounded civil war soldiers and at times risked her own life doing so. It is the 150th anniversary of the civil war and an appropriate time to honor her. She was also the first principal of the female grammar school on Centre Street. She is ineligible though because of Maria Potts' refusal to go to that fair that one partly cloudy day in May 1807 because she hated the horse-drawn tilt-a-whirl.

I was thinking that the Going My Way Bar that once graced the location of the park and featured some of the city’s first go-go girls. Top notch entertainment. These were female dancers who danced to vinyl records -predecessors to today's pole dancers - and they were trend setters in fashion; most of what is taken for granted today for normal female attire among the young ( and even not so young) stems from these go-go girls. I was planning to write a letter in support of one of my favorite dancers at the Going My Way, who really shook the floor when she danced to the Stones’ “Brown Sugar.” Maybe the park could be named after her. It’s a pity that ordinance remains on the books. Blame it on Maria Potts and her distaste for funnel cake.

I was told that there is one in ten odds in favor of “Justice Charles Moran Park” but while his credentials are very strong, it must be ruled out as his district did not encompass North Centre Street. Another Park will have to be built in the Yorkville Section for that to happen. Where is revenue sharing when we need it?

Someone said, “why not name it after a person of some national recognition?” To them I say why don’t you build your own park then. General Joulwan has his park and he is nationally known. That is enough for this city to handle. Anyway can you name any other person of national prominence from Pottsville? And don’t be bringing up some civil war generals or city founders as the criterion requires that the man must have lived in the period from 1960 to the present, and preferably a member of the Hibernians (while not absolutely necessary it sure does help). There is no one I can think of. Anyway, nothing of importance happened around here before 1960. It was a depressing time around here. Section 8 hadn't yet been invented. I think Section 2 1/2 was in effect. It was a time that people swept their sidewalks and took pride in their own property; these people were neighborly, and like me, frequented the downtown bookies to purchase their daily number tickets while shopping at the dazzling amount of busy stores, rather than sitting in front of computers to do on-line gambling and shopping. A sickening time indeed.

I got a great idea. I was thinking of that Rocking Horse Charles fellow that used to grace Centre Street. It was during an era when our charismatic street people were known to us on a first name basis. Rocking Horse Park has a ring to it. In fact I like it more than Pocket Park. I think I will write another letter to City Hall and suggest Rocking Horse Park. He was a man (not necessarily a Hibernian, but don't hold that against him) who had no national claim-to-fame but who certainly would appreciate an ego boost.