presidential debate at the Majestic Theatre!!

The Sovereign Majestic Theatre, downtown Pottsville

(named after the bank whose stock has recently closed pitifully at $10.23/share)

I have a great suggestion for the Sovereign Majestic Theatre located in downtown Pottsville.

I propose that the theatre should be the site of a historic debate between the two remaining candidates in the Democratic presidential race. Yes, the theatre can sponsor a debate which will undoubtedly sell out quicker than the "Schuylkill River Dance" show of last St. Patty's Day.

A lively April debate can be held at a mutually agreeable time, say the opening day of trout season, to be covered live on WPPA, WPAM and T-109 as well as Comcast’s Channel 15 ("the Pottsville Station"). I suggest that the moderator be someone impartial, such as the Winter Carnival’s Master of Ceremonies, who has been grilling carnival contestants with tough questions for over 35 years. In my opinion he's the county's version of Tim Russert.

I would bet my last nickel that such an event would rival Kennedy’s appearance back in 1960 when he uttered his famous words, “Ich bin ein Pottsviller! Tear down this wall” in Garfield Square to hundreds of bewildered well-wishers before heading over to the city pool that bears his name for quick dip. Kennedy in Garfield Square, 1960

It is doubtful that I would ever be selected as a panelist at such a prestigious event, even though I am the brains behind the idea. However, I submit the following questions to be posed to the contestants, Senator Clinton and the new comer who can use some publicity around here. You know, Senator Obama (who the average county resident thinks is named after the largest city in Nebraska):

1. Who is your favorite Dorsey Brother and why? ( Note: I deliberately start out with an easy one to make them more feel more relaxed and comfortable).
2. Assuming you are elected president, what criteria will you establish for granting a presidential pardon? Will you ever consider a presidential pardon for a Koch Turkey Farm fowl at Thanksgiving time? If not, why not, as the people of the Lewistown Valley want to know?
3. You pride yourself as an environmentalist. Therefore, in our struggle against global warming, would you endorse the Kyoto Accord and totally ban jalapeño pierogies?
4. With gas prices spiraling towards the four dollar a gallon mark, what will you do to assist the Pottsville Cruise and make it more affordable for the average cruiser? And will personally buy a Cruise raffle ticket?
5. Dmitry Medvedev, as we all know, is the newly elected president of Russia. Can either of you Senators name the Mayor of Shenandoah and discuss how can the United States improve relations with that difficult Borough?
6. It had been asked in the 1992 election, “Boxers or briefs?” However a more important question was never asked, “Yuengling Premium or Yuengling Lager?”
7. Senator, would you be willing to look directly into the camera and, using simple and unequivocal language, give the people of the city your solemn pledge to restore the NFL 1926 championship to the Pottsville Maroons even if it requires unilateral military action?
8. What can the United States do to ensure that Santa Claus, the sovereign leader of the North Pole, delivers lumps of Pennsylvania anthracite coal to all of the bad children of the world every Christmas eve?
9. We have all heard your positions on NAFTA, but can you now elaborate your positions on ATEECO, SEDCO, PADCO, and REDCO?
10. What effect does global warming have on the future of the Greater Pottsville Winter Carnival? If global warming continues, do you actually believe that our grandchildren will be living in a time when the designation of “Queen of the Snows” is forced to re-titled “Queen of the Slush?”