What's good for the goose, is not good for Schuylkill Haven

This is based on my article printed by the Pottsville Republican which was read by practically no one, and for good reason, as it was in the 9/11/2001 edition.

Has Schuylkill Haven lost its mind? Apparently, “the little borough that could” has decided to breach the Migratory Bird Treaty Act and declare war on the Canadian geese that have peacefully immigrated to the community under the pretext that this so-called "foreign menace" has made the community foul by its large amount of bird droppings. I think this is a lot of crap and I am sure that the Canadian envoy to Schuylkill Haven will be recalled once the first local Elmer Fudd fires the first shot at a goose waddling about. This will bring the relations between Schuylkill Haven and Canada to an all time low. Canada Dry ginger ale is already being horded in town in anticipation of a retaliatory embargo. I could not even one can for sale at Brok-Sel’s or Boyers IGA. How am I expected to make highballs this weekend?

Already the long simmering war of nerves has escalated with the Borough Council dropping leaflets into the Columbia Heights section of town that borders Stoyer’s Dam. The Dam is now under the control of the rebel geese and the leaflets demand that the geese surrender peacefully. The leaflets contain nothing more than propaganda and lies; promising that all birds that surrender will be interned and treated humanely under the Geneva Convention until repatriated to Canada. I say, all lies! Reliable sources have told me that the Borough is making plans to transform the old Walk-In Shoe factory into a pillow factory featuring…you guessed it…Canadian goose down! I get goose bumps just thinking about it.

The geese are not bird brains and a resistance movement is under (web) foot. They have renamed the territory they control “Le Parc de Bubec” where a large underground gaggle is planning to fight to the finish under the Quebec flag. The fecal bombardment that has terrorized some squeamish Schuylkill Haven residents will soon escalate to biblical proportions. There will be no winners, only losers. Our citizenry will be nothing more than sitting ducks.

The Borough Council announced that force is necessary as the fowl are continued to be fed - ignoring all of the “do not feed” signs. Yet have you noticed that none of the signs are in French? Sacre Bleau!! How in the heck does Council expect these birds to understand the prohibition when they cannot read English?

It is still not too late to give peace a chance.

We have to remain calm calmly and not get our feathers ruffled. One suggestion I have is for the borough to bring in Collie dogs to keep the geese within the water. Local taxes could be raised to support this peacekeeping collie force. Think about it, Burro Day could be replaced with Collie Day. Dogs are more popular as pets than mules, so attendance should increase. If the taxpayers are unwilling to support the collies and squawk at the cost, then snapping turtles could be purchased. Supposedly the turtles feed on geese eggs. Another suggestion I have is for the Borough to play loud music around the clock to terrify the birds. I can donate "We Didn't Start the Fire," "She Bangs," "Ebony and Ivory" and "The Macerana" to this non-violent approach that I am proposing provided I get my CDs back after victory is achieved. I think this suggestion of loud music be tried before all-out war breaks out between Schuylkill Haven and our fine feathered, but greatly misunderstood, friends. Maybe we could get former Attorney General Janet Reno to oversee the operation given her experience with the siege at Waco, Texas. Does anyone know her number?