Orthodox St. Patrick's Day

Late Breaking News: 10:00 A.M. Former President Bill Clinton will participate in the traditional Orthodox St. Patrick's Day Parade which will occur today March 29, 2008 in the tiny borough of Girardville.

As we all know, Orthodox St. Patrick's Day occurs on the first Saturday following Easter when the first full moon rises above the Broad Mountain after the vernal equinox has occurred and Jupiter has aligned with Mars. The exact date is decided upon one year in advance by a committee of religious Scribes, Pharisees, astrological leaders and well-respected bartenders of the community. But to simplify matters, you can bet that it is two weeks after the traditional St. Patrick's Day, allowing the sale of Yuengling Beer to continue long after March 17th.

The last former president to have marched in the Orthodox St. Patrick's Day Parade is believed to have been Ulysses S. Grant, who always liked a good time. Although some historians argue that his appearance was purely accidental due to the onset of some neurological disorder.

Update: 7:00 P.M. Former President Clinton (and possible future first gentleman Clinton) left Girardville - Mission accomplished. He came, he saw, he conquered. There is no doubt that Hillary will win big in Girardville this April. She should sweep every precinct in the borough. The question is: "will her margin of victory in Girardville be large enough to compensate for the expected lower vote totals in Philadelphia, even if the ward leaders can get big numbers in the cemetery precincts?" Only time will tell.

Yes, the Orthodox St. Patrick’s Day was a huge success. Just as Election Day, Christmas and New Year Day are celebrated late, the Orthodox of the area have always celebrated all of the major holidays and events approximately two weeks after the rest of us. St. Patrick’s Day is no different, except that this year, the former President of the United States attended the Girardville Parade this year. He certainly felt at home in an area that is reminiscent of parts of rural Arkansas. Incidentally, he is just another V.I.P. to be Grand Marshall of the Parade, following the likes of Mother Theresa (who wowed the crowd and spent a few hours at the Hiberian House after the parade) and, of course, my favorite, MTV's Flava Flav.

Grand Marshall Flava Flav, 2007

Grand Marshall Mother Theresa, 1988

The parade started approximately one half hour late, which was not unusual for parade of this magnitude. The parade was led by a large group of bearded altar servers bearing candles, fans, banners and other processional implements relative to the festive occasion to honor St. Patrick. The crowd was subdued and somber. Afterwards came a group of deacons, sub deacons, religious elders, Pharisees, Sadducees, and then the barkeeps, all carrying burning anthracite coal for incense, as well as for heating the corned beef and cabbage. Others in the crowd carried icons of Irish heritage such as images of Edgar Bergan, Charlie McCarthy, Bono and Conan O’Brien. The crowd become more lively after the bag pipe brigades, cossack dancers, and the giant anatomically correct leprechaun balloons passed by.

Icon of Edgar Bergan and Charlie McCarthy

Main Street, Girardville during Orthodox St. Patrick's Day Parade

The former president, in the middle of the parade route, stopped the float he was riding on, hopped off and gave a few words of encouragement to the crowd hinting that "the Great Depression may soon be over for the coal region" before tasting a few of the regions finest pierogies, haluskies and bundukies. I understand he filled up a doggie bag, supposedly for his loyal Buddy, who must be pushing 25 by now. Here is a photo of Buddy, who hopes to get back into the White House once again.
The only glitch in the whole event was when the former president was repeatedly told that the correct pronounciation for "Mahanoy Creek" is "Ma-annoy Crick."

It was the greatest Orthodox St. Parade's Parade that I can remember.
I will leave you with a traditional Orthodox St. Patrick's Day toast:
A man that can't say an unkind word, should meet an Irishman. Na Zdorov'ye!